Weird Kids, Weird Requests

When Sky King and I went off to a Mexican cruise without our kiddos, we were merely being responsible-after all, it is incredibly irresponsible to take them out of school for an entire week.  Especially when the most culture they would have experienced would have been their grandfather taking a header into a tall step on the way to the bathroom due to too much tequila, and the merits of Mexican Dos Equis vs. the American import we usually drink.  Culture?  Not so much.

So my guilt got me, and I wanted to know what each child wanted as a gift.

Princess:  A shark jaw.
Me: What if I can't find a shark jaw?
Princess: Then, a puffer fish.
Me: And if I can't find a puffer fish?
Princess: A sea horse, like the one I already had, but Cleo the dog ate.
Me: Okay.  What if I can't find any sea creature bodies at all?
Princess: Then, another creepy puppet.
Me:  :::smh:::

Monkey Boy: Gum.
Me: Like, Chiclets?
MB: No, Bubbalicious.  Like what I got in Cabo.
Me: You know you can get Bubbalicious at 7-11, right?
MB: No.  Mexican Bubbalicious.  It's different.
Me: So, no sea corpses then?

In Mexico, the main supplier of seas corpses was closed.  We checked back a few times, to no avail. They had a wide variety of corpses-puffer fish, shark jaws, entire fish bodies.  It was sea corpse Mecca.  I was hoping someone would offer to break in just to make a sale, but it was not to be.

Finally, we found a shark jaw, and got it for $10.  Score.

Meanwhile, I went in to every convenience store to look for Bubbalicious.  Nothing. Nada.  I had taken a break, because I just couldn't think of what to bring home for Monkey Boy.

We wandered into a small store, looking for a bottled water to wash down tacos.  All of a sudden, I saw it.  BubbaLoo!  It's like Bubbalicious, but it has a liquid center, like Freshen Up had in the 80s.
A case of Tutti Fruiti, and my mission was complete.

Back at home, Monkey Boy was thrilled, and savored each of the 60 pieces.

Princess said, Oh. Emm. Gee!!!  It's a goblin shark jaw!!!!!  :::squeal:::

Me:??????

Princess: You know, a goblin shark.  I saw it in a book.
Me: You're making that up. How can you tell from the jaw?
Princess: It's the teeth, see?  Can't you tell?
Me:  :::type type type, Google Google Google:::  Holy shit.  You're right.
Princess: Toldja.

Ummm, yeah.

Cheaper than a "My Mom and Dad went on vacation without me, and all they got me was this stupid T-shirt" shirt.  And classier.

The One Where I'm Offensive to the Cashier

The other day, I was buying shitloads of candy for my kids for our Annual Egg Hunt and Candy-Shoveling.  I was running low on valid reasons to yell at my kids, so I thought I could add, "Quit acting like a sugar whore" and "All that candy is going to turn you into a toothless freak" and "If you don't stop bouncing off the walls, I'm going to slap the shit out of you" into my Mom-of-the-Year verbal repertoire.

I was cruising my local Expired-Christmas-Candy-and-Second-Rate-Plastic-Eggs Store the other day.  Because I love my kids so much, I wanted to get more candy for my money.  And red and green kisses are for Christmas, which is also about Jesus, so it works.

The cashier and I were chatting about how important it is to spoil our kids with massive quantities of High Fructose Corn Syrup in Jesus' name. I figured we were on the same page-you know, the whole "Let's-celebrate-religious-holidays-with-ridiculous-amounts-of-sugar,-thereby-avoiding-the-true-significance-of-the-spirituality-of-the-holiday".  But then he said something to me at the tail-end of our transaction:

Cashier Dude: msfjbnscffdg.gdvfsif ifofdcns
Me: Pardon?  :::leaning back to hear him:::
Cashier Dude: He Is Risen!  :::beaming smile:::
Me: :::"deer in headlights" look::: Um, uh huh!
Him:  :::stunned look:::

Apparently, "Um, Uh huh" is the equivalent of saying "Thank you" in response to a heartfelt "I love you". Cashier Dude gave me the same look he would give a person that stomped on a kitten.  Total response fail.

Please tell me, what would have been an more appropriate response? 

Lizard Hands and Crack Whore Teeth

So. Off Doxycycline, switched to Amoxicillin.  Why?

My teeth are browning on the edges, like a warm fabulous chocolate chip cookie, without the satisfying chocolaty amazingness.  And with more crack-whorishness. My hygenist is going to be so sad. Unless she gets paid more for extra funk.

Also, I broke out in a rash across both hands that burned in the sun and in the shower, itched like an STD, and looked like The Plague.

Oh, and I'm not vomiting anymore.

All side effects from the Doxy.

So, no more Doxy.

Win-win-win.

To top it all off, my insurance just *might* cover IV antibiotics when the time comes.

We will see what Dr. Lyme thinks in a couple weeks.

I took a recommendation from the lady at my local health food store for hand repair.

Mmmmmm, lanolin.

What are my options for my nasty-ass teeth?