Three Sides of the Same Coin

While sitting in a very interesting training, my mind began to wander, as it does.  I was thinking about how "things used to be" and the differences from now.  Part of the thoughts centered around my quest for relief from what ails me; a sincere desire to get back to the old me.  Now don't get me wrong; I don't want to go back to the lifestyle I once had, flitting from obligation to obligation, falling down exhausted each night, having people remark that hearing my schedule makes THEM exhausted. No, what I want is some part of the energy I once had, and the ability to react to things that sometimes require my complete energy and focus.

Not to mention the ability to completely ignore a "wet floor" sign, rather than go forward with trepidation, simultaneously watching for wet patches and scanning for little old ladies to support me if I start to fall.

It occurred to me during these daydreams that there are three distinct "Me"s.

Fun Aimee-
This used to be reserved for the Aimee that had had a wee bit too much to drink.  She's likely to speak loudly, and with passion.  She might fall down, dragging some unsuspecting soul with her.  She is ALSO likely to flail about.  During this flailing, she is likely to hit a girl in the face, and remark, "Oh, sorry about your FACE!", then falling into a fit of giggles while her friends try desperately to keep Aimee from getting her ass beat. (Good gracious-it's truly amazing I made it this far in life without being beaten to a pulp.)

Fun Aimee also loves to hug everyone, to sit on laps of cute boys (cue Pearl Jam music and red Solo cups full of Natural Light) and to generally be the life of the party, even when the party ends.  Good thing Fun Aimee doesn't know the party is over, because Fun Aimee doesn't like shit that makes her stop having fun.  That's the subtle joy of Fun Aimee-there's no stopping that fun train.  Well, a trip to the bathroom to vomit might slow things down a bit.  But one shot of Goldschlager, and she's back on track. (Who would do shots of tequila after vomiting? Eeew.)

Nowadays, Fun Aimee consists of a pain pill and exactly 1.75 glasses of wine. Too little wine and she passes out falls asleep, too much wine and she gets mouthy and will pretty much alienate those she loves.  Also, 1.75 glasses of wine and a pain pill is the ideal prescription for a very happy Sky King. Ambien Aimee would come close for a while there, but Ambien Aimee became reminiscent of Jump-on-the-back-of-a-cop-on-the-street-just-for-giggles-Aimee, and Sky King has grown weary of her antics. WEARY.

Modified Aimee-
This is me, minus the pain pills and wine. I am at about 10% capacity, which would be about 30% for normal humans. Remember, I used to do way too much with immeasurable amounts of energy, so comparing me now to how I used to be is quite dramatic.

I only work about 12 hours per week-anything more than that and I am a zombie.  People have remarked they can see in my eyes when I lose my energy, that the look is obvious.

I also have to save a couple spoons for helping Monkey Boy with homework.  He has some issues that make following directions a challenge.  Some day, his wife will accuse him of not listening to her, and she will be right. He won't ever know it, though because he'll be walking around, saying ".....uh....what?" to everything.

I have had to learn to relax, which in and of itself nearly killed me. Now, I get the whole concept, and I end up on Friday afternoon, all, "Well, what do we have going on this weekend?  Nothing? Again?  Nice...." I do have to get out of the house still, or I will completely explode.

What I would like, when this Lyme shit is all said and done is this:
I want to be able to work part time, spend time with my family, and still have the energy and/or spoons to have shit go down, and I can step things up to save the day.  Really, is that asking too much?  I'm going to call that Aimee, Aimee 3000.  New and Improved.  Not as much swagger as Andre' 3000, but not nearly the potential for felony convictions as Fun Aimee.

It seems like a nice compromise. One I can live with. I hope.

Merry Snarky Christmas! My 2011 Letter to All

Note to all:

Sky King edited this post, thinking it was going to be an e-letter to all our family.  Which makes it unbelievably hilarious.  Also, it make me want to NOW send it out to all my family and friends.  I hope it doesn't happen "by accident" later when I am hopped up on pain pills....  We can call it "thinning the gifting herd".  People who are offended will stop speaking to me, thereby reducing the number of gifts we need to buy each holiday season. That's a win-win in my book. People that think it's bat-shit-crazy-ass-hilarious, well, they will appreciate an even more obnoxious letter next year as their gift. You're welcome.

Dear Family, Friends and People-We-Knew-Years-Ago-That-Friended-Us-on-Facebook:

Happy Holidays! We hope this letter finds you enjoying time with your family, friends and loved ones. We have had a very eventful year, as always.

Sky King continues to work hard cleaning up Aimee’s colossal messes, both literally and figuratively.  When he’s not wiping down counters, apologizing to strangers, or getting utilities put back on, he works with a Flight Simulation company that is showing great growth for the upcoming years.  As it continues to grow, he will continue to falter between working full-time and feeling conflicted about whether he is spending enough time at home.  His goal is to work enough to buy things we don’t need, as well as afford a housekeeper to do the things we don’t want to do, all while still spending much of his free time alternating between making sure Aimee isn’t over-obligating herself and keeping her on her medications for everyone’s safety.

Also, SK has lost some weight, mostly in the belly area.  It could be the rigorous workout routine, but most likely it's because he has been too busy micromanaging his crazy-ass wife to buy beer. Either way, he's still a hot piece of ass, so it's all good.

Monkey Boy has developed into quite the pre-teen.  His upper lip has acquired noticeable peach fuzz, and he has discovered cologne, much to the appreciation of several cute girls at his school.  He joined football this year, learning all aspects of the game, including how to stink up a pair of cleats in 10 short weeks.  His team made it into the post-season, and he won an award for “Most Improved Player” but also an award that acknowledges his ability to have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, while standing on the sidelines waiting to be put in the game.  We aren’t sure if that is a good thing or not, and are seriously considering having him drug-tested.  Now, if only he could get that award for Science and Language, we would be thrilled.  However, when his grades are poor, he is restricted from playing video games, so we have been enjoying the silence all semester long.  It’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it?

Health-wise, he is doing quite well, save for an injured toe over the summer.  I thought it might be an ingrown toenail, but it turned out to be a delightful accumulation of dead skin that caused him much pain.  Phew! That discovery saved us a co-pay, as well as, apparently, tons of time on his part on personal hygiene. Also, we upped his meds, which probably saved his life.  Because I was planning on killing him.  a lot.

Princess continues to bring much joy and noise to everyone within earshot.  She does well at school, being assigned to a teacher that appreciates her unique ability to expend massive amounts of energy while accomplishing very little.  Princess joined Cheer leading this year which she loved.  The only aspect of cheering that eludes her is the snobbish bitchy cheerleader attitude, thankfully.  She continues to love art, creative writing and free-form toilet-paper roll sculpture. Hopefully, they will begin to offer scholarships for curly hair or big boobs-otherwise it’s community college for her. Next year, she will be getting braces to help correct her train-wreck of a mouth.  Her teeth are the curse of being both pretty and smart, so you can imagine how extensive the dental bills will be. We are currently collecting boxtops, Campbell’s soup labels and recyclables to fund her upcoming Ortho bills.

Aimee is, well, Aimee. After a year of pain, she finally was diagnosed with: Fibromyalgia, depression, sleep disturbances, sciatica, joint pain, Raynaud’s phenomenon, memory issues and Vitamin D deficiency.  Consequently, she now has a team of doctors: a Rheumatologist, a Primary Care Doctor, an Acupuncturist, a therapist, a Psychiatrist, a Pulmonologist, a Neurologist and a Physical Therapist.  Most of our discretionary income goes to prescriptions, supplements and co-pays.  Occasionally, there is some extra money to pay for new boots, groceries, and heating for our home.

Aimee had a hell of a fall earlier this year, when she went running through the hallway of the child care center, and slipped.  She may have been running from zombies, we are not quite sure as her memory of the incident is a bit blurry.  She does, however, remember the 6 hours in the ER, as well as the wonderful people she met in the rooms next to her.  She has learned from her fellow ER mates not to let growths on sensitive areas get out of hand.  Basically, when peeing becomes an issue, you are about 2 days late to getting to a doctor. Also, burning sensations are NEVER a good thing. Never. (This is turning into a freaking public service announcement, isn't it? Who knew Christmas letters could be so damned educational?) She has found joy with fancy pill sorters, as well as taxidermied critters, especially those in jaunty clothing, and/or that are posable.  She continues to be obsessed with blogging, and Pinterest.

Aimee and Sky King still have the Child Care Center in Sacramento.  Fortunately, they have wonderful staff that can keep it running smoothly, because frankly Aimee doesn’t have her shit together most days, and it would fall apart.  All she is allowed to handle anymore is payroll, and even then, she has someone looking over her shoulder so she doesn’t make too many errors. Thank God for CPAs, right?

We haven’t done too much this past year-we did visit some family in Portland and friends in Seattle, though. We camped too, but Aimee fled for warmer climes when they were rained out.  The rest of the group hung tight. We ended fall with a poorly-planned trip to Disneyland, in which Aimee was confined to a mobility scooter, which was the source of much comedy as well as tragedy.  This letter is too long already, but suffice it to say, Aimee may not be welcome at the Magic Kingdom any time soon.

We hope this letter finds you well during these tough times.  Here’s to a much happier and hopefully much healthier 2012!

Cheers,

The Walker Family

What Do Ya Gotta Do to Get a Wikipedia Page 'Round Here?

What does it take to get a Wikipedia page?
I'm cute (can women pushing 40 still qualify for "cute"?)
I'm nice, personable.  Funny.  Big boobs. What more could it possibly take?
Snooki has one.
So does this guy I went to high school with that killed some people (well, actually, he just has a reference, but still...)
Even Carrot Top has one.

I want one, too!  I want it to be informative and inspiring.

It must talk about my substantial contributions to:
Girl Scouts
Pinterest Boards
Children and Families
Shoe-tying (I won the "Golden Lace" Award in 1st grade!)
Sarcasm
Telling everyone the perfect way to improve their lives, by following my strict regimen of doing what I say no matter what
The ice cream, chocolate and boot industries

And, they must use some sort of amazing software for my photos that makes me 30 pounds thinner.  And taller.   And makes my husband a real homely troll, so no one tries to steal him-he makes awesome Mexican food, and rubs my sore muscles. And, he's one hell of a kisser.