Just When You Thought I Couldn't Be MORE Awesome...

Princess, who LOVES Halloween.  She does NOT love being scared by this mask, however. 

Instead, she wears it, so that it cannot be used against her.

Last year, I was up to my elbows in blogginess.  I blogged, I loved it, it amazed everyone (well, all 7 of my followers.  Truly, I remember when I got to double digits with followers---I was so stoked!).

And last year, I shared one of my most amazing parenting secrets. But not too many people were able to experience it, because they were not hip to the FFW.  To date, only 26 people have ever read that post.  Really, it's probably only 20, because my Mom possibly reads me over and over, to bump my stats to make me feel loved. Sad, I know. So, to be super awesome, I will revamp, reshare, recycle one of my BEST tips EVAH.  It has pained me, knowing that so many of you missed my wonderfulness last year.

:::tear in eye:::

It's not the one about how to pinch your child up near their armpit, with teeny bits of skin, so that they do whatever you want, RIGHT THEN.  Although that works, too.

It's not the one where I tell you to tell your child they used to have a tail when they were born, and that you had it removed, because it interfered with diapers.  That one, not such a good idea.  More in this, later, when I hold a bake sale to pay for Princess' therapy.

Nope, this time, I am sharing with you the amazingness of The Great Pumpkin, in enough time to get over to Target, and remove gobs of candy from your kiddo's face and teeth crevices.  I am going to link the original post, here, so that you may see how immature my writing was, way back when, last year.  Then, I will cut and paste the whole damn thing, complete with repairs, and new and improved punctuation, so that you do not have to click any links to experience my genius.

Why? Because I'm genius, AND awesome.

Here goes:

I am a genius.  And, I forgot where I got my brilliant idea in the first place, so not only am I a genius, I am an innovator, because now I get to claim full and total credit for my amazing idea, that has become wonderfully mine.

"No", you all scream.

"Oh, yes!"  I reply.  Just wait.

Years ago, I had to spend gobs of cash on Monkey Boy's teeth.  They were crap---he takes after his father.  No, I didn't give him a bottle at night (never, actually).  No juice.  Nothin' bad, followed all the rules about shit you're not supposed to give your kids, except for an occasional snack.  I've relaxed quite a bit, moving into my deficient givafuck phase.  Still, massive dental bills, all before Kindergarten.  Princess followed suit (and ended up with a palate spreader, and braces).  Before Princess came along though, I was faced with a conundrum.

Both my kids have not only massive sweet tooths (sweet teeth?), but they have impeccable radar for junk food. So amazing are their sugar-locating skills, you could stash $10000 somewhere around the house, forget about it, panic when you desperately need it, just make sure there's a Snickers in there, so later my kids can help you recover it. Seriously, people, their instinct for sugar is....
 
 well.....

instinctual.

So, Halloween was drawing near one year.  I wanna say he was 3.  (Seriously, I want to say 3, because I know he was young-ish, and I have no idea how old he was.  Coulda been 2.  Maybe 4.  Most likely, 3.)

I was dreading all the candy in the house, and him dragging us around better neighborhoods than the one we lived in til all hours of the night, hoping to bring home a bag that rivals the storage space in my swagger wagon.

Then, it came to me-The Great Pumpkin.

The next day, I told MB the story-the Great Pumpkin NEEDS all his candy.  In exchange, MB gets a gift.  Kinda like Santa, but a more reciprocal barter system. MB gets to keep 5 pieces, and eat them all at once, or save them, whatever.  5 anythings---Krabby Patties, DumDums, full-size Snickers, anything.  The rest would get hung on the front door handle. The next day, the newest Transformer/Barbie/DVD would be waiting for them, and all thoughts of sugar madness were thrown aside (because, as you guessed, they ALWAYS choose to eat all five pieces that night-no matter how big.  In the grand scheme of things, what's one tummy ache?).

Well, each year, things have gone swimmingly. (always wanted to use that word in a sentence-did it work?)  Now that MB is older, he pretty much says, "Hey, can you tell 'The Great Pumpkin' I want the new Guitar Hero game?".  He even uses finger quotes. But still, a $40 game vs. days at the dentist?  Done. This year, it was some fancy over-priced Nike socks, and a Nike red drawstring backpack. Princess is getting a "Stuffie", that I specially ordered a month ago, from the stupid website that now SPAMs me daily.  Thanks,  Stuffies.  I REALLY love "As Seen On TV" shit.  Truly.

Then, the parents and grandparents get to go through the loot (in secret, of course, because the quality of the loot soooo determines the quality of the toy.  EVERYONE knows that. Raisins are still bad.  So are pencils, and coupons for crap like a cone at Mickey D's.  Smarties, however, rank pretty high.  Almost as high as a full-size bar.  I know, I know.  I don't make the rules.  The kids instinctively seem to know the rules.

They are sooo my kids.

So now, instead of running around the neighborhood, and then the next neighborhood, and the next, I walk with them for about 45 minutes, drinking wine, or Irish Coffee, meandering to houses, chatting with my husband, and anyone else that cares to join us.  Then, we go home, the BIG SORT happens, and they are done, excited about what wonderful gift awaits them in the morning.

All kinds of win. See?













You can steal this idea.  And, you can even pawn it off as your own-you can be all, "Duh.  Of COURSE I do 'The Great Pumpkin'. Why don't YOU?"  And then you can smirk at them, and shake your head, while you trot off to Target for the latest thing to trade the candy for.

And, your coworkers will totally thank you the next day.

As usual, you're welcome.

Halloween Wrap-Up

I don't know if any of you are aware, but there is a distinction between homes on Halloween. This is a universal rule-nice homes, crummy homes, tenements.  Each place we visit has it's own charm, it's own distinction that sets it apart, it's own booty.  Yep, booty.  Not all booty is alike-ask any 20-something year old guy, amiright???

In our neighborhood, we gathered up our neighbors with kids, as well as a couple imports (friends from outside da 'hood). We roamed from door to door, skipping the obvious dead-ends-there seem to be too many these days. If it were merely a sign of people who don't celebrate, it might not be so depressing. but, the foreclosures 'round here look extra bleak on Halloween. I guess that's a posting topic for a political blogger. Or at least someone that gets their news from somewhere that doesn't start with Yahoo. Dunno.

About every 3rd house, lights were on, and we bounded up to the front door. Now, ya all know my commitment to being a Full Size Bar House. A few others have done the same (maybe I should start some sort of campaign next year, with colorful flyers, organized meetings, and bar-size commitment agreements?  No?  Okay, Honey, you're right. I will let someone else do that....). Anywho....the kiddos acquired all manner of goodies. 
After we get back, the sorting, trading and comparing begin.  My kids are fine with most trades, because it is really all about picking their fave five for immediate shoveling. the rest is Great Pumpkin fodder.  Each child does the same thing all throughout the Trick-or-treating world: they pile the candy up, sorting it by some sort of internationally-understood grading system.  There is little room for disagreement in the system.  I say that Halloween loot falls into 1 of 4 categories. See if you agree:

The "I Hate My Job and the People at Work" Mix

This is the mix you feel obligated to buy because you have some crappy-ass candy dish on your desk/at your station/in your cubicle and it's about time you filled the damn thing, because that annoying guy from payroll makes lame jokes about you "being too sweet to have candy nearby" or some shit. So you schlep down to some store looking for tampons in your sweats, and that lame bag of candy cast-offs is waiting for you. You figure, "what the hell. Now I can fill that dumb dish."  Little do you know, you will throw most of it away in 2 years, after you pop a butterscotch disk into your mouth when your paycheck doesn't hit your direct deposit account on the right day and you have nothing for lunch. Within seconds, the butterscotch disk sticks to your teeth, because it is so old, the outer coating has turned gooey.  Yep, we've all been there. So, in a fit of hungry rage, you throw the dish and the rest of it's contents into the recycle bin. You know it doesn't belong there, but you are SO ANGRY you are willing to eff up the entire recycling program in the building.

Then, there is the "I'm on a diet/budget/stupidity binge and I'm not totally committed to keeping my garage door egg-free tonight" mix

Now, don't get all pissy.  I like me some Smarties now and then-the sugary goodness that dissolves in your mouth, the subtle froot-like flavors. All kinds of yum.  But the rest? C'mon, now. this is desperation candy, dollar store candy, PMS-fueled misery candy. Halloween is NOT about being cheap, regardless of our economic times (I know that sounds tough, don't be so damned serious, okay?). I get it-times are tough. But we spend less on full-size bars than we used to on "fun-size" bars. And raisins?  REALLY????  I'm not even going there.

The third category is my fave. It's called many things-jackpot, swag, super booty, the creme de la creme.

Amiright, or amiright?  There's some full-size bars in there, some Reese's, some PB Mn'Ms, the good stuff.  Princess is a fan of KitKats, Monkey Boy goes for Butterfingers and Baby Ruths. Sky King will sneak a Snickers or two when he thinks no one is looking.  And Skittles. One of the few fruit-y type candies that pass muster.  This is the Golden Ticket of loot sacks.

The 4th kind of Halloween fodder is the stuff that doesn't even earn a picture.  you all SHOULD know how I feel about this. Temporary tattoos, popcorn balls, silly bandz or whatever the hell they are called, erasers and pencils, fruit, and the dreaded toothbrush.  I don't need a toothbrush when I am looking for candy.  That's like getting an urn of your grandmother's remains for a birthday gift. I get the point, Grandma was special, but where's my freakin' EZ Bake Oven??? I don't need a tooth decay lecture, I need some damn sugar, for crissake.

Well, I guess I have ranted long enough. And besides, the "Great Pumpkin" needs to go put on her stretchy pants.
Peace out, homies.

A Halloween Dangers Primer for Parents

Halloween is an incredibly scary time for vigilant parents.  There are so many real dangers out there-dangers that threaten to annihilate all that we hold dear as modern American families.

I'm NOT talking about razor blade in apples, poison in candy bars, germs on apple bobbing apples, or masks that obstruct our children's views forcing them to walk into oncoming traffic where they will meet their violent demise. I'm not even talking about allergic reactions to face paints or future dental caries from all the Snickers, Smarties and Twizzlers.

I'm talking about the new media and the helicopter parents, poised to ruin everything we hold sacred.

This year, I have been especially tuned in to the media.  Maybe I have more downtime, maybe I am online more, trolling parenting blogs and other outlets.  I dunno.  But it seems to me that every group has their problems with Halloween.  Before I get started, please know that I mean no true, heart-stopping, offensive, hurtful disrespect.  If you happen to see yourself, or someone you love, in this post, please do not berate me with scathing comments.  All I ask is that you read the post for what it is-a blathering rant by a mom and educator that really has no major problems (other than health).  And, I am sick of people making everything fun, not.  We are constantly being protected from ourselves, and I am NOT OKAY WITH THAT.  It ruins my fun.  If I want to fry a bunch of ants with a can of AquaNet and a lighter, that should be my prerogative. And, if the can sets aflame and exploded into my face, well, my bad.  That's it. I won't sue the manufacturer of either the lighter or the hair spray.  I will merely serve as a warning to others.  And, I might get a Darwin Award. Which actually would be quite an accomplishment. I hear the after-party is UH-MAYZE-ING.  I digress.....again.  Man, that happens a lot.

First, let's tackle the media.  This bunch of asshats (thanks, Jen, for the word) has been trying to ruin Halloween since I was young.  I remember the first Halloween they fucked me over. I was all set, ready to go out with my friends (and probably followed by a partially sober adult) and gather up as much junk food as possible.  I planned on sneaking a few pieces on the walk.  Then, I would put any full-size bars into my costume.  The rest would be picked over by all the partially-sober adults, and I would be stuck with a baggy of raisins, pencils, Dubble Bubble and Sixlets.  This crap would lay around my bedroom floor until I was grounded, where it would become my salvation. 
Instead, the Media RUINED IT.  They started talking about all the dangers of going to strangers' homes, all the possibilities of poisoning.  Not to mention all the pedophiles that waited for me, ready to shove me into their van and have their sick and twisted way with me.  Surprisingly, my normally sane mother (you're welcome, mom) fell victim to their rants (really, mom????) and she, AT THE LAST MINUTE, told me no.  NO.  I was STUNNED.  As a concession, she ran up to Thrifty's, and bought me a couple $1 bags of candy (Boston Baked Beans, and Butterscotch Discs) to assuage my total devastation.  Now.  Let me straighten one thing out for y'all.  If you ever decide to COMPLETELY RUIN a holiday for a child, DO NOT give them CANDY REJECTS to make up for it.  This was not a $2 candy rectification.  This was more of an "All Expense Paid Trip To Hershey, PA" kind of fix.  (Now you know why I'm in therapy, mom.  Yeah, that's right. This shit just got REAL.) My strange aunt, the one that hoards everything she has ever been given, including flats of Tab soda and more pairs of elevator shoes than you can shake a disco stick at, managed to rustle up some vintage candy corns she got as a consolation prize when she visited the set of the Ed Sullivan show. Perfect.  SO, I got the answer the door (another concession I am STILL bitter about-"Hey, honey.  I know I won't let YOU go out tonight, but why don't you dress up anyway, and answer the door when all your friends come by. Only one Smartie, each, though. We don't want to run out.")
This was all because of you, Media.  I think y'all owe me $20 weekly copays for life. Let's see.  I'm *ahem* 39.  I've been going 9 months, times 4 visits a month.  36 visits, times $20 a visit, is $720.  Plus the rest of my life......I should live to about 85.  That would be 46 more years, times 52 visits a year, which would be $1400 a year, times 46 years, plus the first year of $720, carry the 9, divide by the square root of who-the-fuck cares...let's call it an even Mil.  I take cash or cashier's checks, Media.

You all doubt me?  Why don't you wander on over the Snopes.  Here, I will even reference this shit for you...
Poisoned candy
Tampered-with candy

OK.  Let's tackle the abductions, that will almost certainly happen on Halloween.  Because, if I was a kidnapper, I would TOTALLY use Halloween to window-shop.  I mean, where else would I get to see the kids I want to snatch, but on a night where they are all out, giddy with excitement, AND with large bags of candy????  Oh, wait.  I may have freaked some people out, because that might be EXACTLY what the kidnappers are thinking.  Shit.  Well, I figure I am pretty safe.
My kids?  Well, Princess would get snatched, because she is soooo cute.  But, she talks.  A LOT.  Not unlike her mother.  And she is a curious child.  So the kidnapper that tries to nab her better bring LOTS of duct tape for her mouth. And, she is incredibly squirmy, so hog-tying would be a good skill.  Oh, and she junk-punches.  She has a bad-ass uncle or two, that have taught her some skills for the future years of dating ahead of her.  So, really, I am pretty sure any potential kidnapper will be either:  sick of her jabbering, get poked in the eye by her crazy-sharp elbows, or will be singing soprano.  Monkey Boy?  He's my size now, so I figure he's fairly safe.  And he's QUICK.  At least faster than his friends, which is all I care about if his group is attacked by potential kidnappers.  (Great, now all his friends' parents are going to read this, and make them pick slower friends...sorry, Monkey Boy). Halloween is a time to get out, talk to the neighbors, see all the cute costumes, spy on other parents to see how they transport their alcohol so they don't have to keep going back home. (Red wagons seem to be the best bet, but I'm not opposed to a backpack for hikers (Camelbak, I think) that will hold 60 ounces of jungle juice dripping into your mouth through a flexible straw-thingy. All I'm saying is shop around-check out your options.) We have met some super cool people on halloween. And, we know who has the cutest dogs in the neighborhood, and who has the nicest bathrooms.  Yep, my kids have asked to used the bathroom.  And when Princess was younger, she would walk into most of the homes and hug the person with the candy. She's super-appreciative like that.


What else ruins Halloween?
Oh, that's right.  Costume Police.  The ones that warn us about all the dangers of costumes.  They are:

• Too dark-cars can't see them
• Full of chemicals-no face makeup or plastic items because of bpas, pthalates, and such
• Too long-make sure they can't trip your child who will then wander into traffic
• Too obstructed-no masks!!!!The masks obstruct their views, once again forcing them into oncoming traffic
• Too inappropriate--well, OK.  I concede on this one.  I really don't want my daughter to dress up as a slutty candy corn, a slutty witch, or a slutty unicorn. 
• Too flammable-especially with all those candles in pumpkins, one false move, and WHOOSH.  Your child, up in flames.

The hospitals don't help, either.  Yes, I went there.  Fuck the doctors.  If I hear of another ER offering to x-ray candy bags, I'm gonna scream. 

Then, you have the parents.  These guys are the scariest of all.  I'm a full-size bar kinda house.  Yes, I know, I know.  I wrote an entire post about how I don't let my kids keep their candy. But, I let them have some, and then they get a crappy toy.  Stop judging me. I'm the one who's right, here.
Let's talk quality.  Halloween is about candy.  Yummy gooey candy.  Full-size bar houses are rare, and the word on the street spreads fast.  We all talk-there is an amazing network of gossip that circulates on Halloween, spreading from group to group.

I am so sick and tired of my kids getting:
Raisins
Pencils
Apples-with or without razor blades in them
Gift certificates for an ice cream cone
note pads
erasers

Halloween is about candy.  Too much candy.  It is not about hating God, it is not about being safe, it is not about reflective tape.  It is a revolution of sorts, for children to truly let loose, and parents to approve of that.  The only admonishments we should hear should be: "Hey! No more Peanut Butter Cups.  Oh, okay, but only if you split it with me."


This post is really starting to piss me off, so I will finish up with my idea of the safest possible Halloween. First, the costume:

Now, the environment...

First, the house decor.  This is what you need, and why, in a helpful chart.  Feel free to print this and put it on your fridge.  But put it up high, so that the corners of the paper don't cut your toddler. And use tape, not magnets.  Magnets are a safety hazard:

Safe Item	Hints and Tips
Plug-in Pumpkin	No open flames to set children afire-CAUTION-put plug-in pumpkin in a window, rather than on the porch, so no one trips
Other decorations	Make sure they are happy, not scary. Children could have nightmares from scary pictures. Also, Wiccans will get mad if you put up images that make them look green or warty. Make sure all witches are hot, and smiling.
Walkways	If you have any cracked concrete, repair before Halloween. If you cannot, turn lights off to reduce liability, and pretend you are not home.  Better cone off the walkway too, in case children ignore the lights off, which us adults know is the international sign of “Not Being Home”
Adults	Make sure there is a 1:1 adult to child ratio.  It is IMPERATIVE that children DO NOT outnumber adults.  And, older children ARE NOT substitutes for appropriate supervision. And, make sure all adults are sober, and in good shape. No fatties, no drunks.
Candy	All candy must be carefully inspected before ingestion. Not on the walk, but at home, in full light. Better yet, wait for the sun to come up. You just can’t be too careful these days.
Lighting	Make sure each child has a flashlight, as well as several glow sticks. Nothing says “death” like a zombie with glow sticks. Safety first, I always say.
Parties	·         No apple-bobbing. Trench-mouth, herpes and thrush are REAL, people. ·         No gummy candies or other partially chewy items. These things get lodged in people’s throats every goddamn day. ·         No blindfolds.  Everyone knows this is the easiest way to wander away from the party and walk into oncoming traffic on a freeway ·         No face-covering costumes-adults know people every day that flirt with a bumble bee, finding out the next morning your husband went as a Clown instead of the Bumble Bee costume, and now you’re pregnant ·         No bowls of “brains”, “guts” or “eyeballs”.  They are filled with fecal matter, from the guy in front of you that didn’t wash his hands. Ever.

I think that just about covers it.  If I missed anything, PLEASE, for the LOVE OF SAFETY, leave a comment, so others can be made aware.

If you want to come with me and my kids, we are going with a group of people.  We will be the ones coming from the scary over-decorated house that smells like burning pumpkin. You will know it is us by the open containers of alcohol, and our complete disregard for crosswalks.

Cheers!

The Great Pumpkin

I have to hurry up and finish this post, or it will have to wait until next year...



I am a genius.  And, I forgot where I got my brilliant idea in the first place, so not only am I a genius, I am an innovator.

"No", you all scream.

"Oh, yes!"  I reply.  Just wait.


Years ago, I had to spend gobs of cash on Monkey Boy's teeth.  They were crap-takes after his father.  No, I didn't give him a bottle at night (never, actually).  No juice.  Nothin' bad, followed all the rules about shit you're not supposed to give your kids.  Still, massive dental bills, all before Kindergarten.  Princess followed suit.  Before Princess came along though, I was faced with a conundrum.
Both my kids have not only massive sweet tooths (sweet teeth?), but they have impeccable radar for junk food.  If you happen to stash $10000 around the house, make sure there's a Snickers in there, so later my kids can help you recover it. Seriously, people, their instinct for sugar is, well, instinctual.

So, Halloween was drawing near one year.  I wanna say he was 3.  (Seriously, I want to say 3, because I know he was young-ish, and I have no idea how old he was.  Coulda been 2.  Maybe 4.  Most likely, 3.)
I was dreading all the candy in the house, and him dragging us around better neighborhoods than the one we lived in til all hours of the night, hoping to bring home a bag that rivals the storage space in my swagger wagon.
Then, it came to me-The Great Pumpkin.

The next day, I told MB the story-the Great Pumpkin needs all his candy.  In exchange, MB gets a gift.  Kinda like Santa, but a more fair barter system. MB gets to keep 5 pieces, and eat them all at once, or save them, whatever.  5 anythings.  The rest, hung on the front door handle. The next day, the newest Transformer/Barbie/DVD would be waiting for them, and all thoughts of sugar madness were thrown aside (because, as you guessed, they ALWAYS choose to eat all five pieces that night-no matter how big.  In the grand scheme of things, what's one tummy ache?)

Well, each year, things have gone swimmingly. (always wanted to use that word in a sentence-did it work?)  Now that MB is older, he pretty much says, "Hey, can you tell 'The Great Pumpkin' I want the new Guitar Hero game?".  He even uses finger quotes. But still, a $40 game vs. days at the dentist?  Done.

Then, the parents and grandparents get to go through the loot (in secret, of course, because the quality of the loot soooo determines the quality of the toy.  EVERYONE knows that. Raisins are still bad.  So are pencils, and coupons for crap.  Smarties, however, rank pretty high.  Almost as high as a full-size bar.  I know, I know.  I don't make the rules.  The kids instinctively seem to know the rules.  They are sooo my kids.

You can steal this idea.  And, you can even pawn it off as your own-you can be all, "Duh.  Of COURSE I do 'The Great Pumpkin'. Why don't YOU?"  And then you can smirk at them, and shake your head, while you trot off to Target for the latest thing to trade the candy for.

And, your coworkers will totally thank you the next day.