Things I Shouldn't Do While Over-Medicated

There are things people should not do during certain times in your life. 
For instance, don't accept a marriage proposal and then seal the deal within a 24 hour period in Vegas (or any other city, for that matter).  Also, it's a bad idea to shop for groceries while hungry.  (Some of you are all, "She's funny but I just can't relate. Oh, there's one that makes sense.  Phew!")
I need to add one to the list: No computer-ing while hopped up on pain meds (or when upping one's meds.  I think computers and cell phones constitute "heavy machinery".)
Let me explain.

It has been rumored that there are people out there that get all hopped up on ambien for their sleep problems. Then, they go ape-shit spending money online.  I dream of such flamboyant shopping-without-consequences.  Until then, there is me, hopped up on too much pain meds, trolling the bowels of Etsy. And by bowels, I mean the bottom of the barrel, where the waste is stored.  Etsy is a website created for people who make all manner of handmade craftiness, and don't want to sell them on ebay.  Many of the items are brilliant, artistic, and wonderful. Sometimes, however, there is a fail.  a FAIL of epic proportions. In fact, there is a website dedicated to these fails:  Regretsy.
Ever since I found Regretsy, I have been trying, mostly in vain, to find something craptacular enough to qualify for the site.  Finally, I did.
It went down like this:
I was on Etsy, and had created an account.  Then, I was asked to rate certain items based on how much I liked them. This would allow the website to choose things that would suit my taste.  I must say, considering what I am shown, I probably need to restart my account, and do a new series of picks. But until then, I will troll for amazing finds.  Here is what I typed in:
"spoon jewelry"
Here I was a came across:

Yep.  That IS a mouse skull.  Yep, nestled next to a baby doll arm.  AND, it is even more hideous and disturbing in person. I have yet to broach the idea of wearing it.  Maybe I don't have the right chain? Maybe I value my marriage?  One of those is true, I am certain.

Facebook. Maybe Facebook needs to, after 8 pm, ask a series of questions that determines whether you are of the right frame of mind to be updating your status.  Or, Mark Zuckerburg could steal some algorithm from some dudes from college that will determine if a potential status update is considered too out of character for the poster.  (Or, my even suggesting that technology exists explains exactly how much I DON'T know about technology). Here are a few that caused me to pause the next day:

*Shameless self-promotion is the new "planking"
*Princess: Mom! Look what I found! Me: what is that? P: A squirrel head Me: Drop it. P: I'm just holding the whisker Me: PUT. IT. DOWN.
*On my way to the gym-I'm so healthy even my boogers are organic! (WHY was I on my way to the gym hopped up on meds???)
...and about 100 others, that my wonderful Sky King must've deleted.  Good gracious, he is fab.
Twitter:
*rip*--me, sneaking into the DLand $, cuz I don't have time to hit the bank. Shoulda used glue- sorry kids # vacationnightmares
Good news: finally found the China Markers I needed. Bad news: can't remember what they were for. Bought em anyway-it'll come to me.

Text my mother birthday gift ideas. Case in point:

I will say that my husband told me to NOT text this idea to my mom.  Also, a few days later I thought about it.  But my mom is an incredibly conscientious gift giver, and is always prompt, if not WAY EARLY.  (I inherited this trait.  Sorry, honey.)  So, I felt that it would be bad form to unrecommend the Forever Lazy creation.  Plus, I kinda still wanted it.
Then, on the night of my surprise party, I got it.  It came in this beautiful blue color, AND had matching socks, complete with treads, like they put on toddler socks.  While completely embarrassed, I was also intrigued, which caused me to try it on.  It was amazing-soft, cozy, and very functional-the back unzips for bathroom use. Genius, right?  On second thought, I stand behind this request.

Justify My....Anything

Sometimes, you need a reason to justify your spending, your wastefulness, your swear words.  Well, swearing isn't wasting, it's communicating vehemently, but still. You know what I mean.

In fact, just today a few of my galpals (what am I, Madonna???) and I were talking about effective parenting.  Not that i was justifying my way or anything, but just as the conversation was happening, we had a couple incidents happen all at once. And we all three agreed that, sometimes, anger is quicker.  For instance, I gave my child a chance to come over to us so we could all go on to the next thing-we were at the pumpkin patch. (I guess I should be happy my 12 year old even ALLOWED me to drag him to a pumpkin patch. But, he is fully aware of my precarious mental state, so maybe it's a wash.) All the older kiddos had wandered off while we chatted like hens, barely watching the younger ones push each other off hay bales and pick all the brown kernels out of the Indian corn.  (Can we still call it that??)  Anywhooo, I texted MB-which he ignored, then called. I said, hey, we are going on the hay ride, c'mon over, see you in a sec.  I thought that was effective. Meanwhile, one of the other moms was handling an altercation with her child and another.  She wasn't getting as far as she would like.  I could see in her eyes that at any moment, her quivering hand was about to rethink her current discipline policy.  Or maybe I'm projecting. Either way, there was conflict. The other mom was talking to us about how tough the "tween" years were, and how she hated how her child's behavior made her behave.  (Oh, when you're a mom, blaming the victim is TOTALLY OKAY. They aren't victims when they are your own children, they are lucky to have survived this long.)
Then, we noticed the bigger kids hadn't gotten back yet. So, I pulled out the old cell phone, and called.  Again.  And said, "Hey. That meant now.  Here. Now." :::click:::
Within 15 seconds, they all came over, walking quickly.  See? Anger is quicker.  And effective.

I can justify just about anything.

Expensive boots: They will last forever, they are a "classic" style, they will get you a job

Eating out when we are saving money: It will give us more time to enjoy our meal as a family, and the kids have too much homework to clean the table off at home. Also, kids eat free on Tuesday/Wednesday/whatever day. And, this one place has the most amazing gluten-free dairy-free blah blah blah, and I just want to feel normal for once  (insert puppy eyes here)

Buying more scrapbooking crap I don't need: It's for MEMORIES, you unsentimental buffoon---how are we SUPPOSED TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN SOMETHING TO REMEMBER US BY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO...oh wait, was I yelling? Must've hit a nerve.  Ahem.

Buying this/that/the other thing: It will make our lives easier/faster/prettier/me happy.  One of these always works.

Cell Phone: (This one is easy...) You use it to track your child (on HIS cell phone), you have an app to find cheap gas which saves money, you have an app to find restaurants that have gluten-free food, you check the weather to decide if you can wear your new boots, you have apps that keep the kids happy at a restaurant so you can enjoy a meal like they are not even there, you keep everything in your calender so you don't forget to go to conference/pick the kids up/show up at the doctor, you can figure out the best route home from work because you can look at real-time traffic, you have an app that lets you take notes which will form into blog posts which will get you a book deal which will add to your net worth.....I can do this all day, folks.

I even have a justification for packaging treats into individual snack-sized baggies instead of being less wasteful and pulling right out of the main giant bag. You see, I'm on Weight Watchers.  And, I have to count the Points Plus value of each thing that crosses my lips. Also, I have food allergies, so I am limited in what I can eat.  I want to get all the bang for each point, so I very meticulously measure out individual servings, so I can grab and go in the mornings. This is how I justify the waste: getting to my goal weight puts less wear and tear on the earth, and having everything ready to go in the morning saves my children and husband from additional obscenity-laced tirades from their in-house crazy person. See? 

Go ahead, test me in the comments. What would you like justified?

Things I Never Thought I Would Say, Vol. 1

• No more sawing pressurized cans in half, even if you cover it with a towel to absorb the shrapnel (truly, said this just 2 weeks ago)
• Quit body-slamming your sister
• Don't bring any more things in this house that are alive
• By the look on your face, I can tell I don't want to smell/taste/see what's in your hand (I've said this more than once)
• How many more bugs are you planning to kill today?
• For reals, stop playing with the lawnmower and go read a book!
• No, you may not have a whipped cream sandwich
• You're going to have a good time, whether you like it or not 
• Hello? Poison Control?  Yes, my name is Jenny Babcock/Meredith Smith/Renee Johnson. I hope you can help me, but this one may stump you... (Also, change your phone number each time-that's how they track it...or so I hear)

As a parent, have you ever said anything that made you think, "Holy shit, did I just SAY that?"