When Curly Fries Attack

While everyone is sitting around, waiting to hear about how things go with my new doc and all my highly-anticipated test results, I thought I'd share the stupid thing I just signed up for.

A JUICE FAST.

I know, right? It's what it sounds like-nothing but juice made from fruits and vegetables. For a while-10 days, to start. Can I make it 30? Hell, I'm hoping to make it til 9 pm tonight. Actually, I WILL make it, because Sky King is doing it with me, so there's accountability. And he knows me, so he will ask me, and I may be a lot of things, but I am not a good liar. Then, he will be all, "I thought we were doing this together" and "you know your body will feel better" and "this is for the long haul, sweetums". Well, maybe not that "sweetums" part. But the rest? Guilt.

Why are we doing this?

Well, it's a new year. Go ahead, scoff. But 4 years ago, we vowed to quit smoking-me after 18+ years, him after 15 or so. And we quit on New Year's Day.
We had quit tons of times before, on New Year's Day, on Monday, on the first of the month, all kinds of days. But in 2008, we must have wanted it more, because it stuck, and we have been smoke-free ever since.
OK, not entirely ever since. I actually quit on the 4th of January 2008, while SK can say he quit on New Year's. Funny story...

:::Jan 1 2008-just took over a child care center, and we are in the process of cleaning it to ready it for reopening on the 3rd:::

We were both doing great, using all our tactics for successful quitting:

• New Routine (new job, new location)
• Can't smoke at work
• Planned out the last few cigarettes so we would not wake with half a pack (all you quitters out there know-you can't leave half a pack, am I right?)
• Bought the nicotine patches-14mg for me, 21 for SK
• Got rid of all the paraphernalia-lighters, matches, etc.

We were all set. Things were going okay, even with the stress of a new business on our shoulders. We were all patched up, which helped immensely, and we were keeping as busy as possible, which was quite easy. Then, I went to work. I parked in the parking garage near my new business, and pushed the door to get out.
THERE IT WAS. A half-pack, nestled in the door pocket. Calling to me, with her strangled emphysema siren song-:::hack, hack, hack::: Aimee-love me, hold me, put me in your mouth, you know you want to :::hack hack hack:::
But I was strong! I put that pack into the garbage can inside the parking garage, and strolled off to work, with a huge list of things to do.

About 2 hours later, I had compiled a hefty list of things I needed at the store. So I had to go get my car. The siren song began again, getting louder as I approached my car. But how depraved would it be for me to rifle around in a public parking garage garbage can?  Gross.

I'm guessing it looked pretty depraved to the guy manning the closed-circuit TV. I dunno. He didn't say, and I was too busy sticking my patch on the dash and cramming a cig into my mouth to pay attention to whether he saw my panties as I dug in the 55 gallon can for my smokes.
I smoked like a broke stove all around town, gathering this and that, until my car was loaded up and I had so much nicotine in my bloodstream between the patch and the smokes, I could've killed a buffalo. As I got back work, I did the usual-breath mints, gum, body spray. Patch back on. Smokes broken into bits that can't possibly be taped back together (trust me, there's a HUGE difference between broken smokes, and smokes that can't be taped. And tape burns just fine. Stop judging me.) And I haven't smoked since THEN.

But back to the juicing...
So each year, we DO vow to do things better for our bodies. We join gyms, and try to stick with it.

This past year, we went back to the gym we belonged to and were paying each month. We planned on doing this because we decided to get my pain issues under control, among other things-some snooty jackass in a white coat said that regular exercise is good for joint pain. And fibro. And depression. Whatever. That, and we got the pics from our cruise, and we were not very happy with the looks we were sporting. Even Sky King, who has always been slim, was puffing up a bit. We both wanted (then, and now) to be healthier for our family, too.

So we went back to the gym. Sky King joined a Body Challenge, and ended up meeting a great group I eventually joined. We were consistent (me, less so, around flares) through November, when we had trips, house guests, trips, and more house guests. Honestly, if we could be good for 11 months, then take a week off for Thanksgiving, and two for Christmas, I think I'm okay with that. The detox sucks, though.

So the other day (the 2nd of January), I was curled up on the couch, trying to decide how soon to take my pain pill.  I had been increasing them since the holiday madness began,  and was pretty much at 1 to 2 per day.  Not a good plan, because they are not fab for the liver, and regular medsfibro, one for sleep. I'm just not too keen on the pain pills for me, at least for regular use. I must have spent way too many of my formative years in health food stores.
Anyways, I'm sitting on the couch, curled up. Monkey Boy is gone for the week, Princess is happily eating/snacking/drinking/watching TV without interruptions from parents and brothers. I even let her make a fort, so she's on cloud 9.
All I want to do is veg out (what I had hoped to do was take care of the Christmas crap, but I woke up without much energy, and so I decided to have a pity party). I cruise through the netflix, and happen upon Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. My pal Jen had recommended it to me, even borrowed my juicer for a spell, and had good results. But last year was a big year of trial and error, and I never got around to it.  But now, the title is sitting there, all "watch me, I'm good for you".  I really had to contemplate: am I ready to start this? Nah, but maybe it will give me a kick in the pants, so I'm not so bitter about missing all my favorite junk foods. So I press PLAY.

Before I get into the movie, let's recap...
Me:

• Fibromyalgia
• Chronic fatigue
• Joint pain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Raynaud's Phenomenon

...and who knows what else. You may remember my journey into eating better, via an elimination diet. If you can't remember that (and I'm too lazy to link the post here) just know that I spent 5 months eliminating a bunch of food, then slowly reintroducing each one individually back in, to see if it increased, or decreased my pain.  The results were significant, but depressing. Both gluten and dairy caused me significant pain and gastrointestinal problems. Over and over. I will probably continue to be reminded of this here and there the rest of my life. Also, I have gotten (mostly) rid of tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant and peppers. They are all members of the nightshade family, and cause joint pain. My mom, who suffers from degenerative arthritis in both hips, both knees and her back, cut these things out of her diet, and noticed a considerable decrease in pain as well. Don't knock what works, right?

Since I fell off the wagon, the only thing NOT waiting by the roadside was a pack of smokes, so I got some serious detoxing to do. That, and Dr. M encouraged me to reduce (eliminate? Please, oh God, NO) sugar consumption, that it may decrease pain as well. So, if only by cutting out everything yummy, and reducing stress to an almost undetectable level, I can live pretty decently, without much medical help, besides the two meds I take now. Not too shabby, til I want a taco. Really, I'm truly looking for a balance, so that I CAN do some living.

But I digress-the movie. Basically, it's about this Australian dude, Joe, who is obese, and has this crazy autoimmune condition that, among other things, gives him an awful rash. It looks a bit like psoriasis. And he goes on a 30 day cleanse, meeting and recruiting others on the way. After 30 days, he decides to do another 30 (Holy shit, right?) and winds up completely off steroids, with all his blood work coming back amazing, and he's lost like 60 pounds or something crazy like that.

Of course, Sky King got sucked in to the movie too. And at the end, he's all, "Well?  Let's go get some fruit!".

So here we are-here I am, pissy that he's not hungry, trying to remember this is about making me feel better, making me able to do fun things with my kids, instead of lay around doped up, waiting for bed at 3 in the afternoon, mad that my hands hurt too much to play Words with Friends or write a blog post.

A pint of Ben and Jerry's sounds delish right now.  But being able to walk with Princess to the park trumps ice cream. Today anyway.  And that's how I'm doing it, like any good addict will tell you-one day at a time.

Open Letter to My Colleagues, Family and Friends

Dear family, colleagues and friends:
I love you all very dearly, and  I am writing to you today so that you may better understand some of the things I have been going through.
I have fibromyalgia. It is a crappy condition that has no cure. It also is a condition that brings lots of awful symptoms. Some of these are:

• Chronic muscle and joint pain
• Irritability
• Memory loss (fibro fog)
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Anxiety 
• Depression
• Sensitivity to outside stimulus

And these are just some of what I face each day. Each day, I have to face the reality that I may wake with something new. And, I have other conditions-Fibromyalgia often comes with a few friends like Hashimoto's disease (still waiting for test results for this one) and Raynaud's phenomenon-this means I have to stay warm, especially in my feet and hands. Each person with fibromyalgia has different symptoms and problems. I actually consider myself fairly fortunate, given what I have read and heard about others' experiences.
I take medication daily, along with lots of vitamins. I have to remember to take them every day. They help with my condition, but bring other issues as well. I see 4 different doctors, two of them I see weekly.
I am not writing to gripe about my health problems. I am asking you for something. I need, from you, understanding.
I have never been flaky. I am known for being reliable and responsible. For taking on a lot, getting it all done in record time, and with a big smile on my face. This has had to change. While I still enjoy doing fun things, and taking on tasks, I never know when my condition is going to come into play, and change my plans for me.  One of the biggest changes I have had to accept is that some days I look completely fine, and I even sound fine. But, I'm not. I am having stress, anxiety, pain, discomfort. I'm not always going to gripe to you about the various aches, pains and stressors, but I will continue to listen to my body, and avoid things that I cannot do.
I may plan something amazing and get everyone excited, only to have to cancel. I may come along for something fun, then sneak away for a nap. I may forget a major event, leaving people with hurt feelings. I may neglect to do something that I promised, only to fail to remember I ever said I would do it in the first place. I know, it sucks. But I am dealing with it.
Even though I may not always act like the person you thought I was, I am still that person. I am just as disappointed when I miss a meeting. I feel horrible when I forget things that are important to you. I am doing my best, but one of the things I have had to do is learn to let go of what causes me stress.  Being forgetful is one of those things. I can't fix it-I have accepted it to the best of my abilities.
Things are very different for me know. Not bad, just different. please try to be happy for me-I am taking a lot of initiative in my life-I am exercising when I can. I read a lot, to relax. I have begun meditating, which has helped with pain management and stress. I have stopped working so much and I get more time with my husband and kids. I have learned to do nothing, and I think I like it. I have lost weight, and gained friends. I have quit eating garbage, and started taking accountability for my long-term health. Even though so many things have changed, I am working hard each day to embrace these changes. I have learned a lot about myself, and about all the wonderful people I have in my life.

Please know that I am doing as much as I can. If I say no to you, try not to take it personally. You are not the only one that gets rejected by me. I reject my own desires more than anyone else's. My health situation may be permanent, but my energy will fluctuate. I can't predict when things will build up too much, when I won't have time, energy, or patience for something. This is the thing that may be hardest for you to accept-it may seem like I have changed. But, you know me. You have for a long time. People don't change that quickly-please give me the benefit of the doubt.

I may have sold many of you short, as well. I thought for sure people would lose faith in me, see me differently. I have been bombarded with offers for help, wonderful letters, emails and notes, and tons of understanding. For misjudging you all, I am sorry. I wallowed a bit in my own misery in the beginning, and felt that my world was upside down. I now know that my true friends will stand beside me no matter what. I have realized even more all the wonderful people I have surrounded myself with over the years. They have all shown to me, over and over, how much I mean to them.

I love it when you call to check in-just like I did before. Please don't leave me out of things-give me a chance to decide whether I can manage it. Thank you for making accommodations for my food allergies-I know they are difficult to deal with, and I appreciate your effort. But, don't think I expect it. I will show up with plenty of options for myself.

everyone's expectations (even my own!), and some days, I will fall flat. Most days will fall somewhere in the middle.

If this is too much for you to deal with, I am sorry, but I am unable to help you with your disappointment. I have to put me first. And this means I may not always have room for a second place spot.

Love, as always,

Aimee




***Fellow spoonies-feel free to steal this to your heart's content and tweak it as you feel necessary, as long as I get a little love (i.e. credit!)

Choices, and jokes

OK-from the name of my blog, I should be talking at least a little about Fibromyalgia.  I am truly sorry.  However, my excuse is that I have really enjoyed starting this blog, and have all these great posts swimming in my head.  Once again, my sincere apologies, and the warning that this blog is not all about my illness.  The point has always been, and will continue to be about my struggles with my health issues, and the wacky adventures that ensue because of my new normal.
So, an update on my health. But first, a little fibro humor for y'all.

What do you get when you take 6 depressants with 2 antidepressants in a 24 hour period?







Wait for it.......






An anxiety attack!!!!  Bahahahahahahahaha.  Not funny?  No?  But, true.

Remember my post, here?

Well. That was just the beginning.  And, because I am apparently cerebrally challenged now and again, I did not recognize the drama I inflicted upon myself. Here is the short version:

Friday: BUSY day at work, lots of stress.  Body in major pain. Had glass of wine at home, 9 pm.  Forgot my meds at 6:30. Made up for it right before bed (including my antidepressant).
Sat AM: can barely function-throw stuff in bag, do hair and makeup for Anniversary Trip, warn hubby it is narcotic pain relief time, and I'm checking out for the day.
Sat Afternoon: more narcotic pain relief. Relaxing fun also. Then, fabulous dinner out. Wine.
Sat PM: back to hotel, take meds (including antidepressant and narcotic pain relief). Head down to hotel bar. Wine.
Sun AM: feeling sore, but better.
Mon: complete meltdown, as referenced above.
Tues: workday.  Barely made it through 4 hours. Kept getting urge to run from building.
Weds: workday. Once again, hanging by a thread. Stayed only til absolute necessary tasks completed, 2.5 hours. Went to run errands. Had to stop and take big breaths, felt chest tightening.
Weds Afternoon: Called Sky King. he knew right away, told me to meet him at home, went to park to talk, cry, be hugged.
Thurs: Therapist. Normally, she is a quiet, calm, thoughtful person.  You never can seem to tell what she is thinking, how she feels. When I told her I thought I had had an anxiety attack, she had me recap the prior days, like I did for you above.  Then, she got a bit huffy, for her.  She took a deep breath, and said, "So, you are telling me that you took 6 depressants along with 2 antidepressants over the course of 24 hours, and you're confused as to why you don't feel well? Really?".

Duh. She wasn't as harsh as I depicted, but the point was the same. 

Then, we talked for quite a while about choices.  I have chosen to seek out help for my health problems. I chose to work on all aspects of my health: food, lifestyle, exercise, thoughts.  I chose to give up dairy, gluten, artificial sweeteners, MSG. I chose to go to therapy, to work on my stress, my life, my choices. I chose to be stuck with numerous needles every Monday.  I chose to start a weight loss journey.
And I chose to screw it all up with wine and meds.

Once again, she is holding me accountable for my life.  I had the choice.  I know that my meds don't mix well with alcohol. I told myself that the wine helps me relax. I told myself that I could not go through the day without pain pills, and I took them.
But, I am nothing, if not a "learn from my own mistakes" kinda gal.

So-I am choosing to be more mindful of the choices I make, and how they might affect me. I can't choose whether work is stressful sometimes. But, I can choose how I manage that stress. I can research better tools, and use those tools. I can approach my health with a holistic approach. Western medicine can only take me so far. I only get this body once-I need to take better care of it.

While I can't control the hand I have been dealt, I CAN play the cards I have been dealt, rather than avoid the game altogether.

Know any good Fibro jokes?