who the f*@k stole my spoons??????

ok.  i am having a rough day.  after a few rough days.  so pardon the lack of shift key work, like capitals and some tricky punctuation.  my right hand is having a bad tendon/joint/skin/muscle day, and has requested some personal time.
but, i needed to vent, and i dont have a voice recognition situation set up yet. so here goes:

spoons.  i came upon this story at the beginning of my diagnosis, and liked the story.  now, i GET the story.  today, i am out of spoons, and i got shit to do.  geez, it's only 11 am! 

the concept is this: each person with fibromyalgia has a certain number of spoons.  each time a task needs to be done-washing hair, styling hair, driving, fixing a meal, putting stuff away-it costs me a spoon.  when i run out, i'm done.  except, if i run out at 11 am, i am screwed. 
Normals (you people-muggles, regular folk, whatever) have unlimited spoons.  sure, maybe some days are harder than others, but regular tasks still get done-lifebood stuff like showering, eating, picking the kids up.  Not us, though.  when we run out, the day is done.
(for the complete story, read here)

so, i am out of spoons.  i worked hard all week, gearing up for a big event at work.  while i didn't do much of the heavy lifting on friday, i was there, delegating, talking, finishing up, taking on the stress of the event.  it was worth it-don't get me wrong. it is one of my two favorite days of the year at work, and the other was only a couple weeks ago.  it is the kind of day that gives me opportunity to bask in the results of the hard work of many.

but, i still needs me some spoons.  i guess i liked the story from the beginning, liked the concept.  but i didn't get it, quite.  i got that at the end of the day, i was done.  DONE.  which for me was hard, because my work day didn't end til ten, usually.  i would work a full day, then come home to family, do the family thing, then tackle the work project du jour after they went to bed. shopping, a crafty project, sorting, computer work.  whatever.  now, my day ends at 3.  i have nothing left.  if i am there til 6, then i know i will be asleep by 9.  and it sucks.  having seemingly limitless energy was great, and fibro fog would be more helpful if i could forget i used to get more stuff done.  now, i don't know what to do with myself when i can't do much, so i sit, and then my mind wanders, which makes me ruminate on how shitty this disease can be. 

gee, my therapist would be proud-she is all into this needing the grieve for the life i don't have anymore, blah blah blah, pity party crap.  not much fun if you ask me.  pity is only fun when it is followed by a swift kick in the ass, over something no bog deal, like not fitting into the size 10 pants i love, or getting regular milk in the latte instead of soy-not the pity that comes with the sad looks, the eyes that tell you they are glad they are not you, and don't know what to say. 

today, i am still paying for the sins of friday.  saturday, i expected it, and my good buddy norco came to visit, along with her pal, merlot, and later, syrah.  that, along with a great relaxing trip to tahoe for the night with a hot guy was just what the dr. ordered.  seriously, all my docs told me to relax.  does that mean i can write off wine and hotel stays?  i digress.

then, sunday seemed better. i walked a few blocks to breakfast, found food i could eat. enjoyed another drive home through the gorgeous sierra nevadas.  then i ran errands.  stoooooooopid.  just pushing the damn cart took all i had.  so, back home to chill, early to bed to make up for the lack of sleep from the norco/wine binge. 2 glasses and, watch out. today, having a hard time making food.  showering seemed like an insurmountable task.  hair, no effing way, au naturel for me, babeeee!

in a nod to my therapist (and know-it-all husband), i cried in the shower today.  truly sobbed the why me, why now, wtf kind of sob.  and, i feel better.  it is true, grief is good, to a point.  it is important to acknowledge the loss. i know i have more grief in me. i know more loss will come.  in the meantime, im gonna head to costco.  for more spoons.