For those of you that don't know-I am taking a mindfulness class that my therapist offers. Also, it may not be obvious to the naked eye, but I have a wee bit of a problem with control. It's tiny, you may not have noticed. Tiny like a teensy freckle in the center of a microscopic mole.
Where was I?
That's right---me, control, therapy, blah blah blah.
So, at the last meeting, we were given homework. We had to work on what we practiced in the meeting. I hurried to fill out the paperwork, because I had my regular session with her today. So, I walk in, all bummed because I didn't get it all done. This is how the conversation goes:
Me: So, I had a really hard time, doing the mindful breathing.
Her: Oh? (In that calm voice she uses to disarm me)
Me: Yes! I got to 3 breaths, then kept losing track, my mind would wander! It was aggravating!
Her: Is 3 bad?
Me: Ummm, yeah! You said, do 5.
Her: Did I? I don't recall giving specific goals, I just asked each person to practice.
Me: Oh. Well, I did some breaths, then.
Her:And, how did it go?
Me: Ok, but I wanted to get more done.
Her: Like what?
Me: Well, I figured I would do 5 breaths on Friday, then knock out some more on Saturday, maybe meditate for Sunday, adding 5 minutes each day, to wrap it all up by.....
Her: :::::Laughing hysterically::::
Ummm, well, the point wasn't so much to get it done. The point was more about experiencing the process, working on it, seeing how it went. It is more of a lifestyle change, a practice that you will hopefully be able to use as.....(I stop listening, wrapping my head around YET AGAIN missing the point)
Me: Oh. Shit.
See? I come so far, only to find out that the big long road I spent the past 4 months traversing through seemingly insurmountable odds like sleet, snow, hail, and vengeful acts of defiance is actually only my damned driveway.
How the hell am I supposed to be intrinsically motivated? I'm a freaking American, people!