10 Things I wish I taught my kids before it was too late

 *******CAUTION******
 This post is NOT for the faint of heart, or people with full tummies, or people who have active imaginations. And, it's especially NOT for people thinking about having children.
It is a very real description of things that I wish I had told my children.  But failed to.

1. Green scrubby sponges clean bird poop off of cars. They also clean clear coats off of cars. Even brand new minivans.
2. Cleaning between your toes is part of the showering process. Yes, those crusties are "scab-like". And yes, they might just "smell like mold". Thank you, Monkey Boy, for the stunningly descriptive visual. :::throws up in mouth::::
3. Panty liners DO look like knee pads, elbow pads and shin guards.  However, they do NOT protect you when you fall off the skateboard.  And, next time, bring me my camera.  (I wish I hadn't missed that digital moment)
4. No matter how many eggs you crack, the ones in the cardboard container are ALL raw. The hard-boiled ones you like are always in a bowl.
5. Ladybugs taste bitter.
6. So do spiders.
7. Poo, regardless of who it came out of, is NOT OK to eat. Certainly not twice. Even if your big brother forgot to flush, and you are under 2. And, it is WAY WORSE coming out the second time.  All 10 diapers' worth.
8. You were not born with a tail. I know I said you were, it was a joke-a very bad joke. Please stop telling people you used to have one, and then, when they laugh, looking at me and saying, "I did-tell them, Mom".  It makes me feel even worse. And, I'm SURE the pediatrician made some notes.
9. Funny at home is not the same as funny in public. Yo Mamma jokes, no matter how inventive, are NOT appropriate in restaurants with cloth napkins. 
10. Stay out of Mommy's closet.  Nothing good can come from you going in there. I will not elaborate, just DON'T. GO. THERE.