Monday, October 29, 2012

Just When You Thought I Couldn't Be MORE Awesome...

Princess, who LOVES Halloween.  She does NOT love being scared by this mask, however. 
Instead, she wears it, so that it cannot be used against her.

Last year, I was up to my elbows in blogginess.  I blogged, I loved it, it amazed everyone (well, all 7 of my followers.  Truly, I remember when I got to double digits with followers---I was so stoked!).

And last year, I shared one of my most amazing parenting secrets. But not too many people were able to experience it, because they were not hip to the FFW.  To date, only 26 people have ever read that post.  Really, it's probably only 20, because my Mom possibly reads me over and over, to bump my stats to make me feel loved. Sad, I know. So, to be super awesome, I will revamp, reshare, recycle one of my BEST tips EVAH.  It has pained me, knowing that so many of you missed my wonderfulness last year.

:::tear in eye:::

It's not the one about how to pinch your child up near their armpit, with teeny bits of skin, so that they do whatever you want, RIGHT THEN.  Although that works, too.

It's not the one where I tell you to tell your child they used to have a tail when they were born, and that you had it removed, because it interfered with diapers.  That one, not such a good idea.  More in this, later, when I hold a bake sale to pay for Princess' therapy.

Nope, this time, I am sharing with you the amazingness of The Great Pumpkin, in enough time to get over to Target, and remove gobs of candy from your kiddo's face and teeth crevices.  I am going to link the original post, here, so that you may see how immature my writing was, way back when, last year.  Then, I will cut and paste the whole damn thing, complete with repairs, and new and improved punctuation, so that you do not have to click any links to experience my genius.

Why? Because I'm genius, AND awesome.

Here goes:

I am a genius.  And, I forgot where I got my brilliant idea in the first place, so not only am I a genius, I am an innovator, because now I get to claim full and total credit for my amazing idea, that has become wonderfully mine.

"No", you all scream.

"Oh, yes!"  I reply.  Just wait.

Years ago, I had to spend gobs of cash on Monkey Boy's teeth.  They were crap---he takes after his father.  No, I didn't give him a bottle at night (never, actually).  No juice.  Nothin' bad, followed all the rules about shit you're not supposed to give your kids, except for an occasional snack.  I've relaxed quite a bit, moving into my deficient givafuck phase.  Still, massive dental bills, all before Kindergarten.  Princess followed suit (and ended up with a palate spreader, and braces).  Before Princess came along though, I was faced with a conundrum.

Both my kids have not only massive sweet tooths (sweet teeth?), but they have impeccable radar for junk food. So amazing are their sugar-locating skills, you could stash $10000 somewhere around the house, forget about it, panic when you desperately need it, just make sure there's a Snickers in there, so later my kids can help you recover it. Seriously, people, their instinct for sugar is....


So, Halloween was drawing near one year.  I wanna say he was 3.  (Seriously, I want to say 3, because I know he was young-ish, and I have no idea how old he was.  Coulda been 2.  Maybe 4.  Most likely, 3.)

I was dreading all the candy in the house, and him dragging us around better neighborhoods than the one we lived in til all hours of the night, hoping to bring home a bag that rivals the storage space in my swagger wagon.

Then, it came to me-The Great Pumpkin.

The next day, I told MB the story-the Great Pumpkin NEEDS all his candy.  In exchange, MB gets a gift.  Kinda like Santa, but a more reciprocal barter system. MB gets to keep 5 pieces, and eat them all at once, or save them, whatever.  5 anythings---Krabby Patties, DumDums, full-size Snickers, anything.  The rest would get hung on the front door handle. The next day, the newest Transformer/Barbie/DVD would be waiting for them, and all thoughts of sugar madness were thrown aside (because, as you guessed, they ALWAYS choose to eat all five pieces that night-no matter how big.  In the grand scheme of things, what's one tummy ache?).

Well, each year, things have gone swimmingly. (always wanted to use that word in a sentence-did it work?)  Now that MB is older, he pretty much says, "Hey, can you tell 'The Great Pumpkin' I want the new Guitar Hero game?".  He even uses finger quotes. But still, a $40 game vs. days at the dentist?  Done. This year, it was some fancy over-priced Nike socks, and a Nike red drawstring backpack. Princess is getting a "Stuffie", that I specially ordered a month ago, from the stupid website that now SPAMs me daily.  Thanks,  Stuffies.  I REALLY love "As Seen On TV" shit.  Truly.

Then, the parents and grandparents get to go through the loot (in secret, of course, because the quality of the loot soooo determines the quality of the toy.  EVERYONE knows that. Raisins are still bad.  So are pencils, and coupons for crap like a cone at Mickey D's.  Smarties, however, rank pretty high.  Almost as high as a full-size bar.  I know, I know.  I don't make the rules.  The kids instinctively seem to know the rules.

They are sooo my kids.

So now, instead of running around the neighborhood, and then the next neighborhood, and the next, I walk with them for about 45 minutes, drinking wine, or Irish Coffee, meandering to houses, chatting with my husband, and anyone else that cares to join us.  Then, we go home, the BIG SORT happens, and they are done, excited about what wonderful gift awaits them in the morning.

All kinds of win. See?

You can steal this idea.  And, you can even pawn it off as your own-you can be all, "Duh.  Of COURSE I do 'The Great Pumpkin'. Why don't YOU?"  And then you can smirk at them, and shake your head, while you trot off to Target for the latest thing to trade the candy for.

And, your coworkers will totally thank you the next day.

As usual, you're welcome.

No comments:

Post a Comment