Sunday, July 22, 2012

Anarchy On Wheels

Sky King is a passionate man.  Well, passionate about some things.

Boobies, for one. 

Or two.

He LOVES 'em.

But  I digress. 

Few things bring out his limitless passion than a good car washing.

He is OBSESSED with washing my car-the Swagger Wagon.  Which is insane, because I am a horrific slob.  Like, monumentally foully exquisitely gross.  Sky King has called my vehicles Anarchy on Wheels.  I don't think he means this in a good way. He even thinks the ALL YOU CAN WASH Autopay option has VALUE.

But I always have what I need. In view.  By my braking foot.

Anywhooo.  His favorite time to wash the car is right before a big trip. I will be 20 minutes from ETD, and Sky King will say, "I'm gonna run and wash your car, it'll only take 20 minutes".  He lies. And he always wants to wash it as the worst times.  Especially a trip up the highway through the rain, sleet and snow.  Or through swarms of squishy bugs.  And it takes him DAYS, people, DAYS.  I now know why.

His meticulousness knows no bounds. 

He pays $5.99 for a Quick Quack wash-his favorite washery.  Sometimes he will go to Bubba's, when it's more convenient.  But it's $6, and they don't give you the dash wipey.  And, the unlimited vacuum at Quick Quack?  Dreamy. Now we have a Quick Quack closer to home, Bubba's has been suffering economically.  That's what they get, for ignoring The People's desire for Unlimited Vacuum.

I was his wingman (Wingwoman?) today.  We got in line.  Paid the money, pulled in.  Right after the chick that didn't understand "put car in neutral" but that is another story.  We went through and enjoyed the technicolor soap shower, marvelled at the brushless glory. We pulled into the vacuum area, I had my instructions.

As Sky King dried every available surface, removing all remnants of moisture, I was expected to assist. I was handed the wipey, given exacting instructions.  Filth was not an option.

I worked it.  Wiped.  Scrubbed.  Removed all manner of wrappers, debris, and detritus. Vacuumed the seatbelts (no, I'm not joking). Climbed into the back to get the drippy marks. Used my newly-manicured nails to remove gum/milkshake/jujubee/frooty snack debris from the cupholders. Sprayed with the squirter, wiped with the special wipey. I broke a sweat, pulled a hammy, chipped a nail.  But it was all for naught.

I failed. I did NOT get the rear-view mirror.  I missed the inside of the driver window. A portion of the dash remained dusty.  I failed to extract the crumbs from the third row far left seatbelt clicker crevasse. I missed $.37, a pair of tweezers and a DS game.

Sky King looked at me the same way a dad might look at his little pumpkin after getting the latest and greatest Boobies Monthly issue, with his daughter front-and-center.

I hope our marriage can recover.

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