Coping Through the Holiday Season

Let's face it: the holiday season began your first trip to stock up on wine for Thanksgiving.  Then, you had to go back, because you stocked up, but the ran out.  After the third trip, you hid all the wine in the bathroom, under the sink, where hopefully you would forget about it. Or is that just me?

How does one plan to cope through all the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New year, as well as the festivities, traditions and obligations that come with it?  Most people muddle their way through, some people grab some clean clothes and show up where they are told (read: husbands), and still others plan, plan, plan, and buy, buy, buy and cook, cook, cook, and shop, shop, shop til they are absolutely exhausted.  Then, they slap a fake smile on their face, swab on enough eye makeup to give the illusion of being awake, and trudge through each and every obligation doing their best to disappoint no one (except themselves), falling down in sheer exhaustion come January 2nd.  Some of these people even take their families down with them.  I used to be one of these people.

This year however, I am not one of these people.  Why? Because the stress of it all might literally kill me (OK, not quite that dramatic, but I WILL be laid up in bed for a very long time if I'm not careful).  Oh, and Sky King has discovered his foot, and he has repeatedly put it down. I am literally not allowed to do my normal laundry list of obligations. Yes, I will get away with more than my 3 activities a week, but not without a few stealth moves.

For instance, I did some holiday baking. Well, I won't go that far, because 2 of the batters are still sitting in my fridge, awaiting chocolate enrobing. Which might happen tomorrow, or the day after.  I hope I get to it, because I made vegan sweetened condensed milk for one of the recipes. It would suck for all that cooking, burning and starting over to go to waste.  But, I did make some bomb-ass Congo Bars. And they were gluten-free and dairy-free. I will post pics soon.  How did I finagle it? Well, I used the "I have to have something I can eat when we go to holiday functions" ploy.  That's how I justified the cooking.  It worked, but I may not be able to use it much more, before he's on to me.
I did my shopping, but much of it was done online.  It took a lot of the fun out of buying shiny new happy items that I must must MUST have.  But I got the stuff done, and most of it is wrapped, albeit in some gift bags. And no bows. hell, y'all are lucky you won't be getting some crap thrown into a bunch of newspaper tied with string with your name in Sharpie on the outside.  But that's mostly because we don't get the paper, and I bought wrapping paper at Costco 12 years ago back when it was Price Club, and I got plenty.

I showed up to a dinner and ornament exchange, but not without a price.  Just getting out the door on time with all the things we needed to bring was a massive chore. Then, I had the audacity to insist that my children not show up looking like members of a refugee camp. This caused major heartache, and I had to compromise on clean pants for Monkey Boy, and a mismatched but clean outfit for Princess.  then, I was instructed to take a pain pill, which meant that I would be pain-free, but also meaningful-conversation-free when visiting with relatives I hadn't seen in a while. This worked for the most part, and hopefully I didn't say anything too offensive (which was pretty damned difficult because it was one of those parties where everyone brings an ornament, and you get to pick one, but people can steal.  I wanted the one my Aunt had.  But she is battling cancer. When I went to take it, Sky King stared at me, mouth agape, and said, "You're going to take an ornament from HER?!?!?!?!". I responded with, "Shit.  Great.  She gets to play the 'Cancer Card'.  Fuck" Then I ended up with a miniature Peet's mug and I prefer Starbucks. Honestly, it's like Sky King doesn't even KNOW me.)

As of today, I have:

•  A Girl Scout Council Christmas Party
• A Girl Scout Troop Christmas Party
• A Support Group Party
• 3 other dinners with various family and friends
• Christmas dinner at my house with up to 30 people
• New Year's Eve Party
• An overnight trip to SF for a 49er football game (Monday Night!  Wooot!!!)

At half these things it is probably expected that I remain sober-ish save for Christmas Day, and of course the 49er game, where we will absolutely annihilate the Steelers (and the friends we are going with will become bitter enemies, which is why I am offering to drive).  So, no meds for pain for the stress that I will be encountering because doing anything out of the ordinary these days causes me stress.  Harrumph.
Oh, and what's on my "Gee, I hope I get a chance to..." list?
Let's see....

• Drive around looking at Christmas Lights
• Visit the gym to address the aforementioned treat consumption
•  Snuggle next to a fire with my sweetie, sipping spiked hot cocoa
• Go see all the beautiful decorations in San Francisco
• Take the kids to see a holiday movie

How do you cope with the additional stress of the season?

Merry Snarky Christmas! My 2011 Letter to All

Note to all:

Sky King edited this post, thinking it was going to be an e-letter to all our family.  Which makes it unbelievably hilarious.  Also, it make me want to NOW send it out to all my family and friends.  I hope it doesn't happen "by accident" later when I am hopped up on pain pills....  We can call it "thinning the gifting herd".  People who are offended will stop speaking to me, thereby reducing the number of gifts we need to buy each holiday season. That's a win-win in my book. People that think it's bat-shit-crazy-ass-hilarious, well, they will appreciate an even more obnoxious letter next year as their gift. You're welcome.

Dear Family, Friends and People-We-Knew-Years-Ago-That-Friended-Us-on-Facebook:

Happy Holidays! We hope this letter finds you enjoying time with your family, friends and loved ones. We have had a very eventful year, as always.

Sky King continues to work hard cleaning up Aimee’s colossal messes, both literally and figuratively.  When he’s not wiping down counters, apologizing to strangers, or getting utilities put back on, he works with a Flight Simulation company that is showing great growth for the upcoming years.  As it continues to grow, he will continue to falter between working full-time and feeling conflicted about whether he is spending enough time at home.  His goal is to work enough to buy things we don’t need, as well as afford a housekeeper to do the things we don’t want to do, all while still spending much of his free time alternating between making sure Aimee isn’t over-obligating herself and keeping her on her medications for everyone’s safety.

Also, SK has lost some weight, mostly in the belly area.  It could be the rigorous workout routine, but most likely it's because he has been too busy micromanaging his crazy-ass wife to buy beer. Either way, he's still a hot piece of ass, so it's all good.

Monkey Boy has developed into quite the pre-teen.  His upper lip has acquired noticeable peach fuzz, and he has discovered cologne, much to the appreciation of several cute girls at his school.  He joined football this year, learning all aspects of the game, including how to stink up a pair of cleats in 10 short weeks.  His team made it into the post-season, and he won an award for “Most Improved Player” but also an award that acknowledges his ability to have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, while standing on the sidelines waiting to be put in the game.  We aren’t sure if that is a good thing or not, and are seriously considering having him drug-tested.  Now, if only he could get that award for Science and Language, we would be thrilled.  However, when his grades are poor, he is restricted from playing video games, so we have been enjoying the silence all semester long.  It’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it?

Health-wise, he is doing quite well, save for an injured toe over the summer.  I thought it might be an ingrown toenail, but it turned out to be a delightful accumulation of dead skin that caused him much pain.  Phew! That discovery saved us a co-pay, as well as, apparently, tons of time on his part on personal hygiene. Also, we upped his meds, which probably saved his life.  Because I was planning on killing him.  a lot.

Princess continues to bring much joy and noise to everyone within earshot.  She does well at school, being assigned to a teacher that appreciates her unique ability to expend massive amounts of energy while accomplishing very little.  Princess joined Cheer leading this year which she loved.  The only aspect of cheering that eludes her is the snobbish bitchy cheerleader attitude, thankfully.  She continues to love art, creative writing and free-form toilet-paper roll sculpture. Hopefully, they will begin to offer scholarships for curly hair or big boobs-otherwise it’s community college for her. Next year, she will be getting braces to help correct her train-wreck of a mouth.  Her teeth are the curse of being both pretty and smart, so you can imagine how extensive the dental bills will be. We are currently collecting boxtops, Campbell’s soup labels and recyclables to fund her upcoming Ortho bills.

Aimee is, well, Aimee. After a year of pain, she finally was diagnosed with: Fibromyalgia, depression, sleep disturbances, sciatica, joint pain, Raynaud’s phenomenon, memory issues and Vitamin D deficiency.  Consequently, she now has a team of doctors: a Rheumatologist, a Primary Care Doctor, an Acupuncturist, a therapist, a Psychiatrist, a Pulmonologist, a Neurologist and a Physical Therapist.  Most of our discretionary income goes to prescriptions, supplements and co-pays.  Occasionally, there is some extra money to pay for new boots, groceries, and heating for our home.

Aimee had a hell of a fall earlier this year, when she went running through the hallway of the child care center, and slipped.  She may have been running from zombies, we are not quite sure as her memory of the incident is a bit blurry.  She does, however, remember the 6 hours in the ER, as well as the wonderful people she met in the rooms next to her.  She has learned from her fellow ER mates not to let growths on sensitive areas get out of hand.  Basically, when peeing becomes an issue, you are about 2 days late to getting to a doctor. Also, burning sensations are NEVER a good thing. Never. (This is turning into a freaking public service announcement, isn't it? Who knew Christmas letters could be so damned educational?) She has found joy with fancy pill sorters, as well as taxidermied critters, especially those in jaunty clothing, and/or that are posable.  She continues to be obsessed with blogging, and Pinterest.

Aimee and Sky King still have the Child Care Center in Sacramento.  Fortunately, they have wonderful staff that can keep it running smoothly, because frankly Aimee doesn’t have her shit together most days, and it would fall apart.  All she is allowed to handle anymore is payroll, and even then, she has someone looking over her shoulder so she doesn’t make too many errors. Thank God for CPAs, right?

We haven’t done too much this past year-we did visit some family in Portland and friends in Seattle, though. We camped too, but Aimee fled for warmer climes when they were rained out.  The rest of the group hung tight. We ended fall with a poorly-planned trip to Disneyland, in which Aimee was confined to a mobility scooter, which was the source of much comedy as well as tragedy.  This letter is too long already, but suffice it to say, Aimee may not be welcome at the Magic Kingdom any time soon.

We hope this letter finds you well during these tough times.  Here’s to a much happier and hopefully much healthier 2012!

Cheers,

The Walker Family