Sunday, December 11, 2011

Merry Snarky Christmas! My 2011 Letter to All

Note to all:
Sky King edited this post, thinking it was going to be an e-letter to all our family.  Which makes it unbelievably hilarious.  Also, it make me want to NOW send it out to all my family and friends.  I hope it doesn't happen "by accident" later when I am hopped up on pain pills....  We can call it "thinning the gifting herd".  People who are offended will stop speaking to me, thereby reducing the number of gifts we need to buy each holiday season. That's a win-win in my book. People that think it's bat-shit-crazy-ass-hilarious, well, they will appreciate an even more obnoxious letter next year as their gift. You're welcome.

Dear Family, Friends and People-We-Knew-Years-Ago-That-Friended-Us-on-Facebook:

Happy Holidays! We hope this letter finds you enjoying time with your family, friends and loved ones. We have had a very eventful year, as always.

Sky King continues to work hard cleaning up Aimee’s colossal messes, both literally and figuratively.  When he’s not wiping down counters, apologizing to strangers, or getting utilities put back on, he works with a Flight Simulation company that is showing great growth for the upcoming years.  As it continues to grow, he will continue to falter between working full-time and feeling conflicted about whether he is spending enough time at home.  His goal is to work enough to buy things we don’t need, as well as afford a housekeeper to do the things we don’t want to do, all while still spending much of his free time alternating between making sure Aimee isn’t over-obligating herself and keeping her on her medications for everyone’s safety.
Also, SK has lost some weight, mostly in the belly area.  It could be the rigorous workout routine, but most likely it's because he has been too busy micromanaging his crazy-ass wife to buy beer. Either way, he's still a hot piece of ass, so it's all good.
Monkey Boy has developed into quite the pre-teen.  His upper lip has acquired noticeable peach fuzz, and he has discovered cologne, much to the appreciation of several cute girls at his school.  He joined football this year, learning all aspects of the game, including how to stink up a pair of cleats in 10 short weeks.  His team made it into the post-season, and he won an award for “Most Improved Player” but also an award that acknowledges his ability to have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, while standing on the sidelines waiting to be put in the game.  We aren’t sure if that is a good thing or not, and are seriously considering having him drug-tested.  Now, if only he could get that award for Science and Language, we would be thrilled.  However, when his grades are poor, he is restricted from playing video games, so we have been enjoying the silence all semester long.  It’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it?
Health-wise, he is doing quite well, save for an injured toe over the summer.  I thought it might be an ingrown toenail, but it turned out to be a delightful accumulation of dead skin that caused him much pain.  Phew! That discovery saved us a co-pay, as well as, apparently, tons of time on his part on personal hygiene. Also, we upped his meds, which probably saved his life.  Because I was planning on killing him.  a lot.

Princess continues to bring much joy and noise to everyone within earshot.  She does well at school, being assigned to a teacher that appreciates her unique ability to expend massive amounts of energy while accomplishing very little.  Princess joined Cheer leading this year which she loved.  The only aspect of cheering that eludes her is the snobbish bitchy cheerleader attitude, thankfully.  She continues to love art, creative writing and free-form toilet-paper roll sculpture. Hopefully, they will begin to offer scholarships for curly hair or big boobs-otherwise it’s community college for her. Next year, she will be getting braces to help correct her train-wreck of a mouth.  Her teeth are the curse of being both pretty and smart, so you can imagine how extensive the dental bills will be. We are currently collecting boxtops, Campbell’s soup labels and recyclables to fund her upcoming Ortho bills.

Aimee is, well, Aimee. After a year of pain, she finally was diagnosed with: Fibromyalgia, depression, sleep disturbances, sciatica, joint pain, Raynaud’s phenomenon, memory issues and Vitamin D deficiency.  Consequently, she now has a team of doctors: a Rheumatologist, a Primary Care Doctor, an Acupuncturist, a therapist, a Psychiatrist, a Pulmonologist, a Neurologist and a Physical Therapist.  Most of our discretionary income goes to prescriptions, supplements and co-pays.  Occasionally, there is some extra money to pay for new boots, groceries, and heating for our home.

Aimee had a hell of a fall earlier this year, when she went running through the hallway of the child care center, and slipped.  She may have been running from zombies, we are not quite sure as her memory of the incident is a bit blurry.  She does, however, remember the 6 hours in the ER, as well as the wonderful people she met in the rooms next to her.  She has learned from her fellow ER mates not to let growths on sensitive areas get out of hand.  Basically, when peeing becomes an issue, you are about 2 days late to getting to a doctor. Also, burning sensations are NEVER a good thing. Never. (This is turning into a freaking public service announcement, isn't it? Who knew Christmas letters could be so damned educational?) She has found joy with fancy pill sorters, as well as taxidermied critters, especially those in jaunty clothing, and/or that are posable.  She continues to be obsessed with blogging, and Pinterest.

Aimee and Sky King still have the Child Care Center in Sacramento.  Fortunately, they have wonderful staff that can keep it running smoothly, because frankly Aimee doesn’t have her shit together most days, and it would fall apart.  All she is allowed to handle anymore is payroll, and even then, she has someone looking over her shoulder so she doesn’t make too many errors. Thank God for CPAs, right?
We haven’t done too much this past year-we did visit some family in Portland and friends in Seattle, though. We camped too, but Aimee fled for warmer climes when they were rained out.  The rest of the group hung tight. We ended fall with a poorly-planned trip to Disneyland, in which Aimee was confined to a mobility scooter, which was the source of much comedy as well as tragedy.  This letter is too long already, but suffice it to say, Aimee may not be welcome at the Magic Kingdom any time soon.

We hope this letter finds you well during these tough times.  Here’s to a much happier and hopefully much healthier 2012!

The Walker Family

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