Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tuesday Tutorial

It's Thursday. Get over it.

Happy Tuesday, everyone! (See? Now your brain is all, "Tuesday?  No, that's not right....Oh.  Wait, it's Thursday-only one more day of work! Yessssss.") 
Today, I will teach you how to make a salt scrub. Why would you want a salt scrub?  Because it gets rid of yucky dry dead skin bits.  Why would you make one, instead of just shell out $10 to buy one?  Because you are addicted to Pinterest, and have tons of recipes piling up, and because you're a crafty motherfucker.  Not crafty as in, "Getting away with seeing 2 guys at the same time behind each one's back but then one shows up on your doorstep with donuts and coffee for you and your roommates to be sweet, but you aren't there, because you are with guy #2 (at *ahem* 6:30 am) because guy #1 wasn't supposed to drop by because he lives 2 hours away and now the jig is up" crafty.  More along the lines of "Macaroni and glue and paint and pipe cleaners and glitter---*POOF* now it's a toilet paper cozy" crafty. Clear? Good.

So, you get some salt.  We are talking cheap-ass 2/$1 salt from the dollar store.  Shhh. Then you need some oil. I use food-grade.  Not because I eat in the shower-that would be a whole other post.  I use food-grade 'cause it is cheaper than cosmetic grade.  See? Crafty. You need some yummy smelling essential oil. And maybe a lil sompin sompin to add in. I will get to that part in a sec.

Gather your crap:

You will need containers to put the scrub in.  I'm a fan of glass, because I don't like plastic.  It's a thing.  If you are clumsy, you may want to use plastic.  Or if you are cheap.  Or if you hate the world.

First, pour the salt into the food processor, or your super amazing blending machine, the Ninja 1000.  Vrooom!  This is to make the salt finer than it is.  The directions said so (not to throw it in the blender-that's me being spontaneous.  The directions said to use fine sea salt, but I figured that was expensive so I used regular salt). Oh, and the smoke coming out of the sides of the processor?  Probably not smoke. It's (look for flames just in case-I don't want to be blamed for starting some awful fire because I told everyone smoke was normal, and besides, I totally declined blog insurance-is that even a thing?) fine plumes of salt. It looks cool though, and you can be all, "Hey kids! Look, a fire!!"  Then you can not move and just stare at them, while they try to decide whether to panic. And then you can say, "Ha.  Just kidding". And then they end up in therapy.

Once you dry Princess's tears and promise never to joke about major catastrophes again, you take the salt and pour it into a bowl. About 2 cups. Then, add the same amount of oil.  (2 CUPS, don't you ever pay attention?) Right here is where you will notice the difference between food-grade and cosmetic-grade.  I used grapeseed oil. And it came out green.  Which worked, because I was doing a citrus blend.  It would have sucked had it been lavender, or vanilla or something. So, check out the oil first, make sure it does not have a color, unless you are okay with that.  Usually almond oil is a good choice as well. Then put in the scent-I used about 30 drops of grapefruit essential oil.  I mixed it, then added about a 1/2 cup more salt, because it seemed to runny.  And, I'm spontaneous like a motherfucker.

Holy shit!  The oil is green.

 It looks better mixed up.  But it still looks like pistachio pudding-let's cram some more salt into it
 Pretty jars
Getting my rind on-I'm cool like that, adding real tangerine peel like a badass

Then, to be WHIMSICAL (I fucking HATE that word, and so does Sky King-but I am contrary like a motherfucker, too, so deal) I added some itty bitty bits of mandarin orange rind.  Then I threw it all in the blender thingy again, for good measure.  Pour into glass containers, and BAM.  Salt scrubs.  You could make a pretty label on the computer.  Or, you could hand it to people, and be all ghetto, "Dude.  I made this. Don't eat it.  It's a salt scrub." Either one.

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