Saturday, December 3, 2011

An Open Letter to the Inventor of the Mint Truffle Hershey's Kiss

Dear Inventor of the Mint Truffle Hershey’s Kiss:

OMG-OMG-OMG!!!!  I am your BIGGEST fan!  I just lovelovelove the way those Mint Truffle Hershey’s Kisses melt on my tongue, filling my empty body with the minty love that your invention embodies. While I have always been a big fan of Kisses in general (sometimes being known to hide them throughout the house just so that I can always have just a few little pillows of happiness whenever I need it), these seasonal items are just what I need to feel warm, toasty and minty-fresh. In fact, doesn’t the fact they are mint-flavored put them in the category of “breath freshener” rather than “thigh expander”?
I know that it takes amazing men and women to spend countless hours coming up with dessert genius that will appeal to the masses. But I want you to know, from your biggest fan, if you die today in some horrible mint-syrup industrial accident, you did not die in vain. I am a happy lady, courtesy of you.
If, in fact, you DO live through the weekend, I have some suggestions for Monday morning.

1.       Work on a quick-degrade wrapper. As I absently shove them in my mouth while driving home from the store, it would be beneficial if those foil wrappers would disintegrate upon hitting a minivan floorboard, or errant French fry lost between the seats. My husband is getting sick of finding the wrapper bits, as the foil is pretty thin. And it makes me look like some crazed binge eater. Which I am not. Really, I’m not.
2.       Could you get rid of the paper “pull-tab”? Better yet, make it out of edible paper. Sometimes in my exuberance to experience your melt-y mastery, I accidentally end up with those bits of paper in my mouth. It’s difficult to extract the paper from the rapidly melting confection, and I’m not sure how many more of those papers I can safely eat, without suffering some gastrointestinal consequences.

3.       One final request-could you make them dairy-free? I have to keep taking expensive Casein- and lactose-digestion pills. When I fail to take these pills, certain unladylike things occur, and my family mocks me mercilessly. I understand if this is the hardest one, and I will agree to take the pills however, if you could just accomplish #1 and #2, above.

One final thought: I am not a Stalker or Creeper. I know how it must look, and I am surprised to hear that this does not happen to you more often. In fact, your letter stating, “this kind of relentless pursuit is criminal” shocked me to my core. I was only exercising my right to free speech, and frankly I thought you would be flattered. Stalkers and Creepers; A) drive hatch backs, whereas I have a Minivan and, B) have poor hygiene.  I am usually fairly clean, and use soap on a regular basis.
I did read your letter from your attorney; I agree that the balloon bouquet was over the top, I should have gone with my original instinct of 4 dozen.  The cookie bouquet was not meant to scare you, but in hindsight, I can see how “I love you more than anything” “I will die without you” and “I live for only you” could seem inappropriate, but please understand my period was days away, and I was desperate. I will do my best to control myself in the future. I have upped my meds accordingly, so this next cycle should be better managed.

Kisses (Ha! Get it?),

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