Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I Thought the Apocalypse Was Coming...

I just got a text from my brother. He's my younger brother who spent the first part of his life getting free meals at school from cute girls.  This has not changed much, except the cute girl buying his lunch is usually me.  I really would love to marry him off, but he has a thing for skanks, and I'm sick of my kids asking, "Why does Uncle M have so many girlfriends" or, "I didn't know they could make tattoos that big", or, "Don't they have dentists near her house?".  Seriously, I could go on for days.  Days, people.  One of the first girls he brought home waited for my mother to have a mouthful of mashed potatoes to tell us she used to work on the phone.  I asked, "Like at a call center?" and she's all, "Kinda.  It was phone sex."  Things have been pretty much going downhill since then.

The thing is, he's really awesome.  He's good-looking, gainfully employed full time, AND loves kids.  It's like an awesome dude trifecta. He has a horrifying sense of humor, which is definitely in the "Pro" column, and he fixes stuff like a champ.  And, he has no gang affiliations (that I know of). One of his few downsides would be his appreciation for classic rock. Some might find this a "pro", too though.

(I'm taking applications....if you are clean and respectable, love kids and have only a small amount of baggage, but dress like a hooker (or would be willing to try) we totally have to chat. You only have to pretend to be a skank long enough for him to fall for you-then you can reveal your wonderfulness to us all, thereby ensuring years of happiness for us all.  Big knockers would help, too.)

"Umm, you were going to tell us about the impending apocalypse...?"

Oh yes.  That. Where was I?  Oh yeah. Here is a text convo between me and my brother:

Uncle M: Hey, got any mason jars?
Me: Fresh out.  Why?
UM: Moonshine

(This is where I am sure the world is coming to an end.  Why, you ask? Because one of the signs of the apocalypse-I'm fairly certain-would be if my brother were to find Pinterest and get addicted, like I-and countless others-already have.  Pinterest is this amazing crack-like website where millions of women (and probably some men with a penchant for satchels murses) spend countless hours searching for ideas where almost everything in the world can be found, including recipes for tons of yummy seasonal snacks, homemade laundry detergent, table centerpieces, etcetera, all for pennies on the dollar.  And, about 75% of the recipes/crafts/ideas involve mason jars.  Which is why I am fresh out.)

Me: ahhh.  Nope, Sorry.
UM:Yeah, it tastes just like apple pie

(This is where I am torn between gathering more information, and running into the streets to avoid the impeding tsunami/asteroid/tornado of death. What are the chances he wants to make homemade moonshine WITHOUT the influence of Pinterest?)

Me: Sounds good!  Are you on Pinterest?
UM: No, why?
Me: :::deep sigh::: Cause that's the kind of crafty shit they would have there, "homemade apple pie moonshine" LOL
UM:Oh. No, my buddy makes it.

See?  The world is NOT coming to an end today.

All this, from a girl who put her panties on backwards, and took three trips to the potty to realize it.

Score today:
World: 1
Brother: 0 (sorry, Uncle M.  Just be glad it took this long to put you in my blog. I was running out of material, and, well, let's face it. You're nothing BUT material....)
Metrosexuals: 0
Skanks: 0 (good thing they can't read)
Me:1 billion for such an informative post about the apocalypse and Pinterest, as well as moonshine, minus 1 for the backwards panties

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