Saturday, December 31, 2011

Adrenal Little Dream of Me

I know I have already talked about this, but this is MY blog, not yours, and I have unresolved issues.  Deal.

Sky King and I had an amazing first date with Dr. M.  He's a Rheumy, but he's not all Western-medicine-y.  Let me clarify: He is NOT, to my knowledge, a witch doctor. He IS formally schooled, from a college that has a seal that looks official, AND he worked with Sutter Hospital (a real hospital that works on real humans that mostly survive, in our area) but he has also spent lots of time actually working with patients with autoimmune issues, and looking at the subtle differences of these people's bodies, rather than merely consulting the book of "shit we are allowed to do, that will give some relief but not so much that the patient actually gets better, and she will continue to come in, paying those co-pays, and popping those pills".

Now don't get me wrong.  I WILL take drugs-if they are warranted. Along with other lifestyle changes.  But the very second my doctor tries to blame my problems on all the shit in my head, I get all glassy-eyed, and start thinking about fruity marshmallows and new boots.

I agree that there is shit in my head, and that is ain't helpin'.  No arguments. But, when I have no pain, my head is better. Not the other way around. No pain = no head problems.  Pain = depression, anxiety and despair.  And no little whiny-voiced pipsqueak in a white coat is going to convince me otherwise.

So, the new dude.  Super awesome, all listen-y and shit, and asked all kinds of questions. Now, he's running tests for Lyme (and, he's running the test that is actually accurate), for adrenal function, thyroid function, and a bunch of other things like parasites (THAT was a fun test...). We hope to either 1) figure out what treatments to start, or 2) rule out a bunch of things, and have a new round of tests to do. Either way, we will be on our way to some sort of firm plan.

Before you get all excited that that small mention of the tests was all I was going to say on the subject,

 Yep.  that is a kit.  The first one is for adrenal function.  The way it works is this: 4 times per day-roughly 1 hour before meals, I take a cotton thingy (just like the ones they put in the holes where teeth used to be, to soak up the blood) and jam it under my tongue.

 It's like a mouth tampon! Yummm.

If I am too much of a wuss for that, I can drool into the tubes until up to the line near the top. But I'm not a wuss, I rock. So I took that cotton thingy, and jammed it under my tongue, until I was dehydrated.  Then I take the slobbery mess, and pop it into a tube, label it with my name, birth date, time and favorite color, and put it in the fridge.  I do it 3 more times, until I can't stands no mo. Doing this will explain my adrenal function (which controls cortisol, among other things) and will tell the doc if I need a teensy bit 'o somethin' to even that out, thereby solving all the world's problems, via my energy levels.

But, we also want to know if I have issues with yeast or parasites.  Where do parasites live?  In the yucky parts.  What kind of samples would I need to provide?  Yucky ones.

Notice the handy-dandy french fry container (Nacho container? Hot dog boat? How many other comfort foods can I ruin for you?) and the gloves.  Yep, that's what the trays are for, and the gloves are to prevent the yucky from touching me.

Then, you open the tube, and use the tube lid scooper to *ahem* scoop some samples into the vials. Then I shake it all up, to create a very nice poop soup. (Ha, ruined soup for you, too!) Then, it goes in the fridge.
Because I get to do it the next day too!
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Put it all into the baggy, then into the box, then seal the box, then into the FedEx baggy, then seal the baggy, then put it in the fridge, atop a chocolate cream pie. So the kids won't eat the pie. Or anything else from that shelf. Ever.

See? Do I know how to party on the weekends, or what? (To be fair, there have been reports that Ozzy threw a decapitated bat at audience members, and Amy Winehouse reportedly snotted onstage, so really, what I did isn't all that icky.  And, it was for science. Which makes it better.)

So, next Friday, we meet with him again, and we will have some more answers. We are both looking forward to it-because we will know what our next move is. Wish us luck!

What gross things have you ever done on a first date?

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