Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ooooh, Shiny!

You know when you get something new and you're all, "This is the greatest thing ever, OMGOMGOMGOMG how did I ever live without it?"  That's how I felt when I really began to understand all the ins and outs of the internet.  Way back in the early 90's.  Back when I could chat on AOL.

After a while though, the seedy underside became apparent, just like with all shiny new things. It's like finding out refills for the EZ Bake are five bucks each, and only available at the scummy Toys R Us two towns over. Reports came out about how easy it is for children to access porn.  Then, we all had to go find out how easy it was.  Once we found it, we would click "download", step outside for a smoke (because smoking inside is gross), come back in to a screen that looked a bit like the screen from that game show Catch Phrase, where little bits are revealed and you have to try to guess what the picture clue is, but it's porn, so you go back out to pop another beer and have another smoke, wondering aloud if the flesh bits you saw were arms, legs or inner thighs.  20 minutes later, dinner was burning, and you would never ever get that image off your retinas. I'm not even going to tell you the horrific things I learned from 1990s internet porn.  Suffice it to say, things have gotten even worse.  For instance, my son, giggling, told me what a rim job was (thank you, Urban Dictionary). 

Now, however, my faith in humanity has been almost fully restored, through the realization of several things.

1.  My top 2 girl crushes have been featured on Babble.com's Top 100 Mom Blogs:
Here is The Bloggess, #2, and #1 for Funniest  and Here is #43, Elizabeth at Flourish in Progress

2.  Pinterest has everything.  Everything? EVERYTHING.  Evidenced here:

Recipe for Moonshine

Crocheted Leprechaun vomiting shamrocks

Disembodied Barbie Bodyparts-into-jewelry

All manner of spoons that are badass

...I could go on.  And on and on and on, as evidenced by my therapy bills and my cramps in my fingers from typing/searching/surfing too much. 

3.  The "Popcorn" button on my microwave creates foul, preservative-enhanced, puffed-up fattening popcorn, popped to butter-flavor-y perfection.  Every. Fucking. Time.  Which is awesome on "Fend for yourself" night.  Which is tonight.

Thank you, internet. Much of the above makes up for me knowing there is midget clown porn.

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