Things I Shouldn't Do While Over-Medicated

There are things people should not do during certain times in your life. 
For instance, don't accept a marriage proposal and then seal the deal within a 24 hour period in Vegas (or any other city, for that matter).  Also, it's a bad idea to shop for groceries while hungry.  (Some of you are all, "She's funny but I just can't relate. Oh, there's one that makes sense.  Phew!")
I need to add one to the list: No computer-ing while hopped up on pain meds (or when upping one's meds.  I think computers and cell phones constitute "heavy machinery".)
Let me explain.

It has been rumored that there are people out there that get all hopped up on ambien for their sleep problems. Then, they go ape-shit spending money online.  I dream of such flamboyant shopping-without-consequences.  Until then, there is me, hopped up on too much pain meds, trolling the bowels of Etsy. And by bowels, I mean the bottom of the barrel, where the waste is stored.  Etsy is a website created for people who make all manner of handmade craftiness, and don't want to sell them on ebay.  Many of the items are brilliant, artistic, and wonderful. Sometimes, however, there is a fail.  a FAIL of epic proportions. In fact, there is a website dedicated to these fails:  Regretsy.
Ever since I found Regretsy, I have been trying, mostly in vain, to find something craptacular enough to qualify for the site.  Finally, I did.
It went down like this:
I was on Etsy, and had created an account.  Then, I was asked to rate certain items based on how much I liked them. This would allow the website to choose things that would suit my taste.  I must say, considering what I am shown, I probably need to restart my account, and do a new series of picks. But until then, I will troll for amazing finds.  Here is what I typed in:
"spoon jewelry"
Here I was a came across:

Yep.  That IS a mouse skull.  Yep, nestled next to a baby doll arm.  AND, it is even more hideous and disturbing in person. I have yet to broach the idea of wearing it.  Maybe I don't have the right chain? Maybe I value my marriage?  One of those is true, I am certain.

Facebook. Maybe Facebook needs to, after 8 pm, ask a series of questions that determines whether you are of the right frame of mind to be updating your status.  Or, Mark Zuckerburg could steal some algorithm from some dudes from college that will determine if a potential status update is considered too out of character for the poster.  (Or, my even suggesting that technology exists explains exactly how much I DON'T know about technology). Here are a few that caused me to pause the next day:

*Shameless self-promotion is the new "planking"
*Princess: Mom! Look what I found! Me: what is that? P: A squirrel head Me: Drop it. P: I'm just holding the whisker Me: PUT. IT. DOWN.
*On my way to the gym-I'm so healthy even my boogers are organic! (WHY was I on my way to the gym hopped up on meds???)
...and about 100 others, that my wonderful Sky King must've deleted.  Good gracious, he is fab.
Twitter:
*rip*--me, sneaking into the DLand $, cuz I don't have time to hit the bank. Shoulda used glue- sorry kids # vacationnightmares
Good news: finally found the China Markers I needed. Bad news: can't remember what they were for. Bought em anyway-it'll come to me.

Text my mother birthday gift ideas. Case in point:

I will say that my husband told me to NOT text this idea to my mom.  Also, a few days later I thought about it.  But my mom is an incredibly conscientious gift giver, and is always prompt, if not WAY EARLY.  (I inherited this trait.  Sorry, honey.)  So, I felt that it would be bad form to unrecommend the Forever Lazy creation.  Plus, I kinda still wanted it.
Then, on the night of my surprise party, I got it.  It came in this beautiful blue color, AND had matching socks, complete with treads, like they put on toddler socks.  While completely embarrassed, I was also intrigued, which caused me to try it on.  It was amazing-soft, cozy, and very functional-the back unzips for bathroom use. Genius, right?  On second thought, I stand behind this request.

Paper or Plastic? Plastic, with an extra bag for my gun

In this job market where there are people with Master's degrees looking to take just about any job, I am even more amazed than usual about the level of stupidity that is in our marketplace. Not that degrees have much to do with common sense, but the stupidity of people seems to know no bounds.

A while back-I guess it would be 6 months or more-I was at a certain big name discount retailer.  I had done a fair bit of damage to their inventory, and had an overflowing cart.  I pulled up to the check-stand, and unloaded.  A few of my items were over-sized-crates that hold file folders, I believe a food processor-things that clearly won't fit into bags.  Also, I had left all my reusable bags at home.  I seem to do this A LOT, and then buy more to assuage my guilt.  Now, I have over 20 of the damned things, so I just suck it up and schlep home with tons of plastic bags that my husband sneaks into the garbage when I am not looking, before I can recycle them.

Back to the story-so, the woman has passed the large items to me, and has begun bagging my items.  In the pile of stuff I was purchasing were 2 reusable lunch bags-you know, the insulated type? She gets to the second one (SECOND!!!!) and says, with it in her hand, "Do you want me to bag this?".  I was a bit surprised, but then I thought maybe it was the irony of putting a bag into a bag.  So I just nodded, and went about my digging for my credit card in my overly full purse.  She continues to bag my items, spinning the bagger thingy.  I am grabbing the bags, and putting them in the cart.  She then holds up a 6-pack of v8s.  You know, the ones that are 6 ounces? The entire thing has the shape of a small loaf of bread.  She then says, "Do you want THIS in a bag?" gesturing to the v8s.  I stare at her.  Then I say, "Yes, please.".  In between, she had crammed some picture frames into a bag, ripping in down the side, causing her to have to throw out a bag and start anew, so I am pretty sure she's not some tree-hugging daisy sniffer that is ferklempt about the over-use of bags in America.  And, even if she was, I'm fairly certain she would not be working at the store I am in.
We move forward, and she asks if I want a 3-pak of sponges bagged.  To which I respond, "Yes.  I would like all my small items in a bag. It will save me several trips back and forth to my car.  Thank you."  This ended our exchange. 

I spent some time musing over how odd the whole experience was, how completely random and unusual it was, with my sis in law and my husband later.  We all had a good laugh, and I forgot about it completely.  UNTIL TODAY.

DUH DUH DUNNNNN  (you know, the creepy cue music when something bad is going to happen....)

I was shopping for some work stuff as well as some hard-to-find school supplies.  Crusing through my local office supply place, I loaded my cart full of pens, pencils, calculators, photo paper, card stock, erasers, and composition books.  I got to the counter, and unloaded the large pile onto the counter, with many of the smaller items sliding to and fro.  As the cashier began to ring the order, he moved them to a different pile.  He then says:

(you know what's coming, right?)

"Do you need a bag with this?"

REALLY?  

I look at him, to see what he is specifically gesturing at,  (maybe I put a file cabinet in the cart that I have forgotten about?) and he is gesturing to a heaping pile of pens, sharpies, index cards and pink erasers. What I want to say is, "are you single? If so, I know the perfect chick for you".  Instead, I give him a look that I hope very clearly says, "listen, douche-canoe, not only is that the stupidest thing you could have said, but I might just rip  out your throat with this hole punch". Then, I VERY SLOWLY (so he understands because clearly comprehension is a bit of a stumper for him) "Yes. I would like my purchases bagged."*

He then proceeds to finish ringing my order complete with scanning each item, even when there arw multiples. Each one. Individually. As if the scan gun will somehow KNOW he scanned that particular eraser already, and beep angrily at him.
It won't. Bar codes, although somewhat mysterious, are not that technologically advanced.

This dude is SO LUCKY I'm medicated.

*Only do this in retail establishments-never EVER in restaurants. I know, I waited tables. Never piss off people that have access to your food. Pens, yes. Food, no. You should probably be nice to most doctors, too. Internists, gynecologists and the like. Oh, and dentists.

Frisbee Dogs in the Produce Department

I saw a frisbee dog shopping at Raley's tonight!

She was walking on two legs, shopping for healthy organic produce for I assume her pups back home.
At first, I thought it was a woman wearing a bandana around her neck (purchased from Miller's Outpost, no doubt), but then I remembered it wasn't 1983, so it MUST HAVE been a well-trained dog that is usually seen at the park, catching frisbees in her mouth.


Pretty awesome, huh?