Saturday, October 15, 2011

Things I Shouldn't Do While Over-Medicated

There are things people should not do during certain times in your life. 
For instance, don't accept a marriage proposal and then seal the deal within a 24 hour period in Vegas (or any other city, for that matter).  Also, it's a bad idea to shop for groceries while hungry.  (Some of you are all, "She's funny but I just can't relate. Oh, there's one that makes sense.  Phew!")
I need to add one to the list: No computer-ing while hopped up on pain meds (or when upping one's meds.  I think computers and cell phones constitute "heavy machinery".)
Let me explain.

It has been rumored that there are people out there that get all hopped up on ambien for their sleep problems. Then, they go ape-shit spending money online.  I dream of such flamboyant shopping-without-consequences.  Until then, there is me, hopped up on too much pain meds, trolling the bowels of Etsy. And by bowels, I mean the bottom of the barrel, where the waste is stored.  Etsy is a website created for people who make all manner of handmade craftiness, and don't want to sell them on ebay.  Many of the items are brilliant, artistic, and wonderful. Sometimes, however, there is a fail.  a FAIL of epic proportions. In fact, there is a website dedicated to these fails:  Regretsy.
Ever since I found Regretsy, I have been trying, mostly in vain, to find something craptacular enough to qualify for the site.  Finally, I did.
It went down like this:
I was on Etsy, and had created an account.  Then, I was asked to rate certain items based on how much I liked them. This would allow the website to choose things that would suit my taste.  I must say, considering what I am shown, I probably need to restart my account, and do a new series of picks. But until then, I will troll for amazing finds.  Here is what I typed in:
"spoon jewelry"
Here I was a came across:

Yep.  That IS a mouse skull.  Yep, nestled next to a baby doll arm.  AND, it is even more hideous and disturbing in person. I have yet to broach the idea of wearing it.  Maybe I don't have the right chain? Maybe I value my marriage?  One of those is true, I am certain.

Facebook. Maybe Facebook needs to, after 8 pm, ask a series of questions that determines whether you are of the right frame of mind to be updating your status.  Or, Mark Zuckerburg could steal some algorithm from some dudes from college that will determine if a potential status update is considered too out of character for the poster.  (Or, my even suggesting that technology exists explains exactly how much I DON'T know about technology). Here are a few that caused me to pause the next day:

*Shameless self-promotion is the new "planking"
*Princess: Mom! Look what I found! Me: what is that? P: A squirrel head Me: Drop it. P: I'm just holding the whisker Me: PUT. IT. DOWN.
*On my way to the gym-I'm so healthy even my boogers are organic! (WHY was I on my way to the gym hopped up on meds???)
...and about 100 others, that my wonderful Sky King must've deleted.  Good gracious, he is fab.
*rip*--me, sneaking into the DLand $, cuz I don't have time to hit the bank. Shoulda used glue- sorry kids # vacationnightmares
Good news: finally found the China Markers I needed. Bad news: can't remember what they were for. Bought em anyway-it'll come to me.

Text my mother birthday gift ideas. Case in point:

I will say that my husband told me to NOT text this idea to my mom.  Also, a few days later I thought about it.  But my mom is an incredibly conscientious gift giver, and is always prompt, if not WAY EARLY.  (I inherited this trait.  Sorry, honey.)  So, I felt that it would be bad form to unrecommend the Forever Lazy creation.  Plus, I kinda still wanted it.
Then, on the night of my surprise party, I got it.  It came in this beautiful blue color, AND had matching socks, complete with treads, like they put on toddler socks.  While completely embarrassed, I was also intrigued, which caused me to try it on.  It was amazing-soft, cozy, and very functional-the back unzips for bathroom use. Genius, right?  On second thought, I stand behind this request.

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