Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ant Asylum and the Marital Peace Treaty

I am a tree hugger.  Not in the dirty-feet-and-soaked-in-patchouli,-not-shaving-my-legs-forever kind. The more eat-organic-bring-my-own-bags-to-the-store-and-recycle-shit kind. My lack of shaving is more out of laziness than any political statement about feminism. I feel that each person needs to do what makes them feel comfortable-I do what I am comfortable with.  I avoid products I know are tested on animals-honestly, have you ever SEEN a beagle with mascara?  That shit'll keep you up for WEEKS. I eat a lot of organic stuff.  I shop at local stores when I can. I eat produce in season most of the time (it's cheaper, too!). I try to avoid unnecessary chemical exposure, and i take baby spiders outside, rather than let them become one with my Birkenstock tread (Shit.  I don't really wear Birkenstock, I swear.  I'm more of a Frye Boots kind of gal. Or maybe a cute pair of Born Mary Jane's. Shit-shoes always get me off-topic.)Anyways-I'm a bit of a nature freak. I, however, married a man that couldn't give two shits about the environment.  That's not entirely true-but he doesn't go the great lengths to reduce his carbon footprint, if ya feel me.  He is just as likely to throw a can in the garbage than the recycle. He fully embraces disposable everything.  "Energy Star" reads "Expensive Marketing Ploy" to him.  And, he has a deep-seated hatred for ants. It stems from an incident with a very large quantity of ants long ago, and he won't budge.  I accept this, and each rainy season we live in a barely controlled balance. I suspect that he "Raid"s the kitchen regularly, and then stashes the can when I'm not home.

I have tried every manner of natural crap to keep the ants at bay.  I have tried:
  • Wiping the counters with vinegar
  • Sprinkling coffee grounds around the entire perimeter of the house
  • Sealing everything known to man with caulk
  • Some crazy white chalk from the Asian food market that is supposed to keep them away
  • Borax mixed with jelly to kill them
  • Tons of different spices sprinkled around the outside of the house

Basically, nothing works. Certainly not for long, anyway.  I have figured out why.  Our house has become the Ant Consulate.  They flee every other house in the neighborhood, seeking political asylum.  Now that I am home more, I have seen no less than 15 pest companies parked at every house on the block over the course of a month or two.  So, like the  scheming geniuses ants are known to be, they march in their little parades up the street, through our yard, and into every crack and crevice they can find.  They take over the kitchen, setting up mini ant communities, walking up and down our counters with their #OWH signs (Occupy Walker House).  Sky King grits his teeth. I even try to get up early to wipe them up before he sees them, just to have a peaceful morning.

This past spring, the ants had overstayed their welcome by about 3 months. It was June, still raining, and the little fuckers weren't going anywhere. Then, we found rat droppings.  So, rat droppings in the garage, ants throughout the kitchen. The bees in the backyard and the spiders in every corner-everyone but me was DONE.  Then, we found some sort of egg of a yet-undetermined-bug in the garage, and I crumpled like Lindsay Lohan in the cough syrup aisle at CVS.
I said, "FINE!!! Find a company that uses green shit, and get rid of this.  ALL of it."
Sky King RAN to the phone, dialed the first company that had a leaf in their ad, and had them perform total bug annihilation within 2 hours.

And all was peaceful once again.

Incidentally, when you squish an ant, they make an incredibly foul smell. It's formic acid, and it is FUNKY.

You're looking for an ant to squish, aren't you?

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