Snitches Didn't Get Stitches-This Time

I am fired up.  FI-EEEERRRRRRRD up.

I just left my local store-Safeway.  And I witnessed something that boiled my blood, chapped my ass, ruffled my feathers.

As I was searching for some hotdog buns, I saw a couple, early 40's, unremarkable.  Except, the dude was mawing on a mini croissant while holding a large clamshell container of more buttery goodness.  Not a big deal-I get it. You walk around, getting hungrier and hungrier, waiting for your wife to make a damn decision.

Then, he set the container, and the half-eaten one, on a bakery display.  Walked away, over to a new display, and began to look at THOSE items.  His body language was clear: I'm done with those 12-for-$5-croissants.

I said, gently and full of compassion: HEY!!!! YOU MIGHT WANT TO TELL MANAGEMENT YOU AREN'T BUYING THOSE, SO THEY DON'T SELL THEM TO SOMEONE ELSE.  THAT'S GROSS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH!!!!

See?  Classy. As usual.

Then, I walked around the corner, and spied a staff member.  I said, "Hey, there's a piece of shit and his wife in the bakery department eating out of containers and putting them back. FYI."

I went about the rest of my trip, heated and shaking, wondering if I shouldn't have worn my son's football jersey with WALKER clearly emblazoned on the back.

I said I was ANGRY, not BRILLIANT.

Then, I saw the staff member, befuddled, because the croissants were gone. 

I figured I might encounter the shoplifters in the store somewhere else, and they might say, "See?  I just set them down to look at the Enteman's!".  I had my comeback...."Whatever helps you sleep at night, thief!"

Unfortunately, I didn't get to use my comeback.  Damn.

But, my time with those damned croissants wasn't over yet.

There they were, complete with one missing half a buttery flaky chunk, sitting by the Rockstar display.


GRRRRRRRR.  I found my staff member, ranted a bit more, handed over the loot, all the while griping, swearing, and head-shaking.

Seriously, people.  I GET that the economy sucks.  And maybe $5 is too much for croissants.  Maybe not.  But what I also get is that, I hemorrhage cash more than anyone I know, whether it's co-pays, prescriptions, Doctor visits, or fab boots.  But for crissakes, when people blatantly pull this shit, I just cant help but think the entire country is going to hell, partly because people are batshit cray, and in serious need of some bitch slappin.

Did I mention I have been trying to kick my anti-depressants?

Hopes, Dreams, and Mud. Who's In?

Being all responsible and bad-ass, I plan for the future.  It must be the successful business woman in me.

Also, I have had a few tastes of what things were like, back when I could engage in physical activity and shit.  You know, when I didn't spend 3 days recovering on the couch, over an afternoon of frivolity.  Yes, I am aware I am delusional. 

But join me in my mental illness, when I say, I'm fucking done.  DONE.

So, in the interest of being all, "mind-over-matter-y", I'm looking ahead, to when I am better.  BETTER better.  Not just, kinda better. But really, sink-your-teeth-into-fun-stuff better. Binge-drinking and gluten-eating better.  Run around burning the candle at both ends better.

I have really REALLY been admiring this billboard in town for something that has the words, "5K" and "Mud" in the sign.  Seriously.  

But being all logical and shit, I am planning for the waaaaaaaay distant future.  Like, in a year? Trust me, for a recovering over-achiever, this is epically far from now.

Yep.  I want to do one of those fun, dress-up-crazy, get half-tanked, run around like fools, slide through nasty ass mud, 5Ks.  For reals. I walked one, once, with a bunch of chubby bitches for Weight Watchers (fat lot of good it did me, though). Why couldn't I run-ish one?

Who's in? I've got me, and Sky King.  Any other takers, Fall of 2013, in the Sacramento region?  We could do it as a group, with obnoxious LYME GREEN tanks.  And maybe we could all carry spoons?

TO DO LIST:
Stop being all chubby, schlubby, and jiggly
Start moving beyond the current circuit training of to the couch---> to the potty---> to the fridge
Get off medications that keep me out of sunlight
Stop experiencing copious amounts of joint and muscle pain

Keep track of my progress, here at FFW, by following me, on the right-hand side of this page, right about here....
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Or, knock some sense into my head.  Either one, really.

Internet Infamy. BTW, Where Is My Freakin' Wikipedia Page?

Today, my internet infamy grew just a scoach. (It's a word, Judgy Judgertons.  It means a teeny bit.  Check Urban Dictionary.)

This was a post of a friend of mine.  You can tell right away we have grown apart.  Probably because she's all classy and shit, being a show-off.

Driving [redacted] to preschool this morning I pulled up to a red light. Looked to my right to see a woman in an identical white SUV, I assume taking her child to preschool, sporting the same white bejeweled ceramic watch as me, sipping coffee through a straw, like me, so as to not stain her freshly bleached teeth, hair pulled back, like mine. Look to the car to my left and see the exact same thing. I'll bet they both had on black yoga pants too. What a suburban cliche I've become! :)

I laughed, because it's always funny when you realize enlightening shit about yourself.  I also laughed, because I got roped into the same drop-off as she did, on the same morning, but my comment was slightly different:

Aimee Walker Better than me, hair and teeth both unbrushed, Jammie pants, distended braless boobs, no shoes, hoping I don't wreck and have to get out.

5 hours ago via mobile · · 9

Did you notice anything?  

First, I'm keeping shit real.   Props.

Second, this TOTALLY happened (two days in a row....).  And I seriously was concerned I would get waved at by a mom that wanted to chat me up about something they heard/saw/did, or worse, a family that wanted to say "hi" to me as they walked to school as a group, younger sibs in tow.  This last one was the biggest fear, because there are two new families at my kids' school, that were in Preschool at MY school where I am the administrator, and I can't even imagine how embarrassed I would be, with food stains on my tank top from the day before (that way I don't have to wash jammies, because I love the freakin' earth, judgmental bitches...).  Hair askew.  Teeth, funkified.  Braless (truly one of the scariest sights, I assure you.).  Also, wrecking would be bad, because who wants THAT to come at you, especially before a large dose of caffeine?

Now, all I can think about is, maybe I should get my teeth whitened.  And, maybe I shouldn't dress like such a piece of shit.  And why are my kids okay with it all.