Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Is There A Girl Scout Patch For Being A Skank?

I am a Girl Scout Leader. I use the term, "leader" loosely.

(Kinda makes you question what kind of background checks they do, right? Hey, you're preaching to the choir.)

Each year, we meet with all the other masochistic crazies to talk about how to improve the lives of girls blah...blah....blah...patches.....blah....blah....meetings.....dues...blah...blah.

Throughout the year, we meet monthly. We share ideas, turn in registrations, plan events. And each time we do something like recruit a new girl, or turn something in, or contribute something valuable, we earn paper money. It's very Pavlovian, and we NEVER miss a chance to earn fake meaningless money rewards.

At the end of the school year, we go to a big dinner, and get to use the paper money to bid on things from people's re-gifting piles at home: wrong size jammies that were never returned, Starbuck's cards with $2.93 left on it, Fiber-optic Jesuses (Jesi??), candles that have almost never been burnt, bath stuff that smells awful.  The ironic part is, we eat this shit up. It gets nasty-I love it.

And I'm competitive. VERY competitive.

This year, I was missing one of my partners in crime.  But I had my other two.  We were strategizing.  Once I realized I wasn't getting the massage gift basket (the only truly desirable item out there-who would re-gift THAT????), I sat, pouty faced. I was wishing I had made my own counterfeit fake girl scout money. I know, I know. Depraved. I'm working on it. Sorta.

Then I saw Skank*.

*Skank is a loon that I used to have to spend time with on field trips because our kids were in the same class. She was super batshit crazy, telling you her life story within 3 minutes, complete with financial info, complaints about her husband's lack of desire to find a job, and her mother's mental illness (which you soon realize I'd a dominant gene in their family tree). She had ALSO decided to talk shit about a teacher I love at our last dinner, and I was feeling a teensy bit frisky and combative that night. So, I told her basically, "You're wrong, you weren't even there, you were LATE, we had to leave without you because you didn't follow the rules. Maybe you should talk to your daughter about personal responsibility and communication, rather than blaming the teacher. Oh, and your "friend"? She was on board with ditching you, so get over yourself." It felt good to shut her trap. And my friends at last year's dinner all gasped asst my tirade with shit-eating grins on their faces. It was EPIC.

Anywhooooo, Skank was going around bidding on things at our most recent event.  This is where Aimee-Evil Genius took over.

Me: :::psst::: I'm going to go outbid Skank.  Just because.
Co-Conspirator: Nice!

I followed her, outbidding her by a buck on something my co-conspirator wanted. And something Skank wanted that no one else bid on, that was close by.

Every time she went over, I was about 3 minutes behind her.  This is how the sign-up looked:

Evil Genius----------------$30
Evil Genius----------------$40

And on and on.

They called, "Last 10 seconds! 10..9...8...7..6..."
Skank rushes over to put her name back down.  I had, against my better judgement, NOT taken all the pens add a win strategy.  As they say, "3...2..." she finished the n and k, having bid $60. 

I nudge her hand away, and say, "Don't bother, I've got this...give up.".  She says, "Hey!  Be nice! I just had surgery, you know!"

Instead of saying, "Oh, you wanna play that game? Have a seat, bitch".  I say, "Too bad!"

We ended with my Co-conspirator getting her stuff, me ending up with a basket full of bath and candle stuff.  My brother took the candles, I gave away one of the bath gels, and I'm saving the basket for a work thing, and the remaining bath items will end up in a staff member's hand at a staff meeting.

That high road everyone talks about? Gives me altitude poisoning.

No comments:

Post a Comment