Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Life Cycle of a Juice Fast

Day 1-January 2, 2012

Today, I woke up feeling worse than ever. I’m coming off a high of sweets, rich foods, wine, sweets, and some wine. Did I say sweets, and wine? 

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know, I know. I have a few more days til I see Dr. M.  But I just want to curl up on the couch and watch movies all day. So I do.  I get a snuggly blanket, and grab the PS3 controller. Netflix is going to be my new BFF. Christmas stuff can put its damned self away, if it’s that big of a deal.

I cruise through, looking for brain fluff. Raising Hope-maybe. Storage Wars-No, I’m Yepped out.  Then I see it: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  Jen (my partner in Girl Scout Crime) saw it, loved it, recommends it.  Maybe. Click, click, click. Nothing. :::big sigh::: I guess it's back to the educational shit-Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  Well, maybe it will help me see the light and not be so pissy about leaving all my yummies behind. :::PLAY:::

10 minutes in, Sky King (who was innocently playing on his laptop, minding his own business-sorry honey) and I are hooked. Princess will come in every 15 minutes or so, so we pause, we don’t miss a thing.  It ends, and Sky King looks anticipatory.  "Well, let's get dressed, we got some shopping to do!" Now, it’s off to the store.  First stop? Target, for a scale. Then, groceries galore. It’s perfect timing, because we are in serious need of food-most of the leftovers are gone, so now is the perfect time to purge! Just as we are trying to convince Princess to wear more than a tank top, a skirt and flip flops in January, when she already looks like a poster child for how to draw stick figures, the doorbell rings.

My parents and brother drop in. Saved by the bell.

PHEW-I get to dodge the healthy bullet a little bit longer.  And my bro has a chicken bake from Costco. YESSSSS.  I was totally into the healthy-juice-fasting-healthy-health thing. But that was 5 minutes ago and Uncle M has a CHICKEN BAKE.  I reduce that chicken bake by half, while we chat away. Soon, my dad remarks that they have to leave, so we can get to the store (and nothing good is cooking at our house, so why hang out, right?).  Bummer, back to reality for me. 

So off to do the errands, part deux: a scale, a book Sky King needs, the grocery store to stock up on greens (and reds, and blues, and yellows. Eat a Rainbow!). See? I'm trying to get back into the spirit...

When we are done with the first two, SK says, “We better stop and grab some sushi-it’s not smart to shop while hungry”.  This is very smart thinking, because knowing us, we will be trying to juice Cap’n Crunch and frozen pizzas. So, off to our new fave sushi joint for some yummy rolls.

This all means that Day 1 is really Day 0. But whatever. I can go with it.

Day 2
I’m :::GASP::: 182 pounds.  If I were a foot taller, this would be just fine. But no, I am a bit chubbified.  in fact, if I were NOT me, and I saw me (not me) walking around with Princess, I would make some crack to the people with me that not only is not me starving her child, but she is doing it so she can have seconds.  I'm can be so cruel. Especially to not me.  So, it’s off to the juice machine.

By the end of the day, I feel like choking a fat kid for a Snickers*. I am hungry for chewing. And everything sounds so good. My belly is full, but my teeth are lonely and bored.  Tonight, I said to Sky King, “Hey, what’s for dinner?”  He said, “Juice! Actually, I’m not even hungry”.
What?  Who is this person? It’s fucking six thirty! Of course you’re hungry.  Everyone is hungry at this time. I’M HUNGRY. And the last thing on my mind is motherfucking juice. Unless it is juice seeping from the side of a medium rare fillet. Then, juice me up.So I have the schlep to the kitchen and go through the whole choose-wash-trim-cram into juicer-pour-rinse-scrub-gulp routine with NO HELP. Which actually means Sky King won't do it for me.

Oh, and I wake at 2 am with a massive headache that feels like I am having my head compressed by a sumo wrestler on one side, and a bed of nails on the other. Great.

Day 3
I wake, ready to go, go go. Then, I remember the stupid stupid stupid juice fast. Grrr. 

176! Holy shit!  That’s what, carry the three, divide by pi (mmmm Pie!), 6 pounds!  Okay. Maybe I can do this.

In the afternoon, when I was whining about wanting food, Sky King did what he does. He reminded me WHY I am doing this. Not to lose weight (yeah, right, I TOTALLY need to lose weight, especially the pounds I put on since November October August) but to control my pain.  When I eat better, I feel better. And, not just in that pious way of “Wow, I just scarfed an entire arugula salad and carrot juice, I feel so light and airy and clean” way.  But in the “my body doesn’t feel like I constantly have the flu, without the snot and barf” way. 

It’s time to get over the hump of Day 4 (day 3, really, which is always the toughest).

Day 4
175!  Down, not much. But, feeling good, all in all. I got shaky when I was hungry, around lunch time.  I ate a banana and some tangerines-that can’t be cheating, right? Right? Whole fruits?  Either way, I’m detoxing, and getting the gunk out, so I think fruit counts. Period. Tomorrow, I weigh in at weight watchers. We will see what that brings. And, I start Bunco tonight, with a rowdy bunch of ladies. That can’t be good for my detox.

Day 5
174.  Last night did include some wine-I will not lie. but I kept to the salad with vinaigrette, minus the croutons, and a bowl of soup. And some gum drops. Shit. Oh well, not bad for a big social engagement in the middle of this thing, right? 

 I’m happy with the results, and I’m getting ready to introduce raw foods into my diet-raw nuts and seeds, coconut, etc.  The Farmer’s Market near me has a chick that makes heavenly raw foods-it looks like I will be on the raw bandwagon for a while, until my symptoms calm the hell down. 

What’s my juicing secret?  Well, if you add apple to the mix, you can drink almost anything: beets, spinach, watercress, huge heads of lettuce, anything.  If you still need a fruitier twist, add a lemon, peel and all. For instance, 6 carrots, 1 cucumber, 8 stalks of celery and one green apple.  Or, half a bunch of spinach, 2 zucchini, half a bunch of parsley, 3 apples and a lemon. Then gulp til you feel full. Voila, 8 pounds gone.  And that’s WITH adding whole fruits and veggies, because I couldn’t only juice.  I mean, I could, but I didn’t wanna-my teeth got lonely. So I added whole bananas and those wonderful littler tangerines, cuties.  An apple and some carrot sticks here and there, some steamed broccoli at night.

*No fat kids were harmed in the making of this blog

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