Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Why Are My Kids So Awesome?

Because I work with children, and spent almost all my schooling on Child Development (when I wasn't ordering pizza or practicing being an underage drinker) I get many parents asking for my advice.  To save you all some trouble, I have posted some of my hints and tips, so that others may benefit.

I've got Mother of the Year totally in the bag this year. In case you are completely unaware of my spectacular feats, I will help you. Complete with bullet points.

I teach my children how to be self-sufficient:
  • I use punctuation well, especially bullet points, so I am setting a good example for written communication. This will come in handy when applying for jobs.  And applying for unemployment. Also, ransom notes.  Those things have to be clear and direct. Nothing says "Give me money or your wife dies" like a carefully-worded letter, complete with bullet points. That way, the ransom instructions are clear.
  • I allow my children to explore the kitchen for meal options (just because this has resulted in 5 straight meals consisting of a 10 lb bag of tortilla chips and marshmallows doesn't mean I'm neglectful. It means I don't sweat the small stuff.  Like Juvenile diabetes.)
  • I leave them home alone to practice real-life skills. Kind of like Lord of the Flies.  But with access to more ready-made weapons.
I allow them to express themselves, which makes them forward-thinking creatives:
  • I don't insist on things like matching clothing-look how successful Punky Brewster turned out. She's got a blog, and a book.  And she gets to go on vacation to cool places.  Laugh if you will, but when all the cool kids are running around with the back of their hair not brushed, while sporting stained white shirts and two different flip flops, I'll be sitting pretty with the best-dressed kids on the block.
I let them learn about the world by interacting with it:
  • Mean dogs bite, Floor Cheetos taste as good as Bag Cheetos, and gum under the table does not taste like it smells. How could a child possibly learn all these lessons, if not for curiosity and a sincere lack of boundaries?
  • Weather-appropriate clothing is for herd-following sheep. Nothing teaches "natural consequences" like hypothermia. I have my degree in Child Development; I know.
  • Randomly shouting out orders for chores to be done when they least expect it means they will grow up prepared for surprises. Also, I don't coddle them by being emotionally stable. I allow my emotions to run free, at will.  They won't be corporate schlubs that toe the company line. You're welcome, kids.                                                                                                                   
That about sums up my vast contributions to motherhood.  If you need any advice, you will find me, waiting for the FedEx guy to deliver my award.

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