Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The One Where I Cheat Mother Nature

I'm back on Doxy.  Dr. Lyme apparently does not care if my mouth becomes foul with discoloration.  Nor is he concerned with scaly itchy rashes that make people avoid my handshakes.  And, he really doesn't give a rat's ass that it is summer in Northern Cali, and I can't have any sun exposure while on Doxy.  None.  Nada.

NO SUN EXPOSURE.  This means, SPF 50 while driving.  Horrifying shawls over my hands (and fingers) lest they wither in the sun's evil rays.  Maxi dresses for my maxi ass. Sun hats that cover my beautifully RED hair.  Can you hear my sulking?

So, when one of my besties from college coerced me (Sky King was involved, of course) to join them on a river raft trip, their pretty little sober faces pinky-swore not a ray of sun would besmirch my beautiful milky white thighs. 

That's a mighty BIG order.

I promptly went to Wally World to find a swim shirt that would allow me to get wet, while still remain covered.  Remember, I'm as sweaty as a buzzard's crotch these days, due to my Lyme-induced Peri-Menopause.  So heat?  Not a big fan.

I found an epic shirt.  A prime-to-party shirt.  I did have to pose briefly in the sun to show off my amazing find, complete with epic red hair:

I should have let the hair flow. My apologies.

Yes, those are barrels of beer on my shirt, and a frosty mug of beer accepting golden liquid glory.  I have the most amazing drinking shirt EVAH. 

And nice jugs?  Pshaw.  I have nice BARRELS.  Sky King will attest.

Another pal from college also brought me a super cool, light and stretchy shirt, that would accept not only my ample bosom, but my criss-cross applesauce legs.  My sis-in-law donated a fab hat, and I was the Belle of the Ball.  Or at least, Riff Raff of the River?

No, I am not pregnant.  Nor am I smuggling a heaping bag of doorknobs.  I have somehow managed to hid almost every square inch of skin inside a FORGIVING white cover-up.  They were NOT joking when they named this beast. 

And the cooler? Filled with water.  Sky King did NOT partake of the water. 

That "borrowed from Monkey Boy" blue thermos-y jug?  Filled with Vodka.  And a splash of Squirt.  Which he drank, after he provided an assist on the 72 beers that were in the other raft.

Final Score----
My skin: SPF 5000
My liver:1
Sky King's liver: 0

Enjoying life's simple pleasures: Priceless.

:::cue "awwwww":::

And, I was not couch-ridden the next day!

I wish I could say the same for Sky King.

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