Monday, August 13, 2012

UPDATED: Help Me Settle a Bet

I have some serious stakes on the line with Sky King.  There's a week's worth of massages at risk.  And I'm sure I will have to do something that involves naked me if I lose.  IF.  But I won't lose.  That's how secure I am that he is wrong.  And, more importantly, I am right. So please, read on, my friends.  Help us settle this bet (because me?  I could use those massages.)

Okay.  This is a PURELY HYPOTHETICAL situation.

Let's say, that you eat some pizza while driving to pick up a kid at football.  Then, you drive home to drop the pizza off for the rest of the fam, then schlep over to the mall to pick up some godforsaken last minute school supply that cannot wait until Tuesday.

As you arrive in the parking lot, you HYPOTHETICALLY realize that you need a bathroom.  Hopefully not before you make it to a public toilet.  You rush in, telling your kid, "IwillmeetyouinTilly'sI gottapee" but what you really wanted to say is "OMFG!  I'm about to have massive runny shit down my leg if you don't open that door RIGHT NOW!".  But, you don't want to humiliate your son (anymore, today....) so you don't say all that.  But you walk.  Quickly. Still hypothetically.

When you get in the stall, you barely make it to the throne before a massive explosion erupts.  The good news?  You made it.  The bad news?  Out of paper.  No TP for the bunghole.  Nada.  Not a square to spare.

In this particular hypothetical case, there was an ample supply of butt gaskets.  Not the most aesthetically pleasing of wiping items, but will work in a pinch.

Later, when I was relaying this PURELY HYPOTHETICAL situation, I also included Plan B.  He thought Plan B was awful, and he offered his own solution.  We disagreed.  Vehemently.  All hypothetically, of course.

I will present both sides, with Sky King assisting with the editing to ensure that each idea is presented in its entirety, as objectively as possible.

*Sky King note* The foundation has been laid and it's clearly in favor of a "cough" certain side. 

*FFW note* Editing my post so that you emphasize certain aspects doesn't make you right.

Option 1:
Remove panties, wipe with panties, ditch seven dollar panties.

Option 2:
Flush, make sure water is clean. Use clean water to clean hiney. Flush. Repeat until clean. It's free AND you wash your hands afterwards.

Well?  Option 1, or Option 2?  There's a clear winner here, folks.

How to vote?  In the comments.  But first, go to Disqus, make a very quick painless free account, and then everyone can see your amazing epiphany.  But, you can make up a fun name, so that no one will know you read my posts about bowel movements.  And, I will get my week's worth of massages.  See? Win-win. 

Ready? Set? GO!


Okay, from the comments here, and in my phone via text and via Facebook, I can see that, well, let's face it, hardly any of you are comfortable with feces.  Especially descriptive stories regarding mine.  But really, is it so difficult?  I need straight answers, people-a week's worth of massages are riding on this.  It's easy:  Throw away a pair of panties, or wash your hindquarters in a public toilet?  C'mon, I'm begging you----I NEED those massages.  Or I need an answer. One of those.  Bleach your brains later....


  1. Keep the panties! Duh.

  2. Definitely use the toilet water.

  3. What! Who in their right mind would use a perfectly good pair of panties. Toilet water for the win

  4. Omg, it's obvious. Use your hand and wipe all that shit off then put it on a napkin and sell it on ebay... Duh!