Sunday, April 15, 2012

Permanent Re-Assessment, with a Twist

Being so ill has had me reassess so many things in my life.  Work, family time, the energy I put out.  And my ever-changing health has re-prioritized just about everything.  Image has become a side-note. But the quest for shiny-new-fabulousness?  Not gone.  Worse, really.

Since I can't possibly bring home another pair of boots without risking a massive Sky King defection (at least until, oh June-ish?), I have to find other things to keep my attention.  Shiny new wonderfulness.  But since I'm not the size I want to be, it can't be clothing-I cannot justify expensively altered, well-fitting clothing in the double digits.  So, I need other things to keep my interest.

Change.  New fabulous hair (appointment booked, and I might just have an opinion about what I want this time, which shocked the shit out of my stylist) is on the docket.  Maybe some bright red, maybe some side-swept bangs.  Who knows.   Until my appointment, I had to do something.

So, I got a nose ring.  I guess actually a piercing, because it's a turquoise stud, very tiny, in my left nostril.  I love it, I'm glad I did it.  I have always wanted one, but worked with kids, and it was usually frowned upon.  Then, when I began to run my own place, I felt it was not appropriate, like blue hair, and full sleeve tattoos.  Things I like, but didn't feel were appropriate as a Girl Scout leader, or Child Care Runner-Person.

 I'm over it. The piercing didn't hurt like I thought, and all my antibiotics made sure it healed quite nicely.

Lacking funds these days, (can you say, "out-of-pocket medical expenses"?), I had to find things that give me that "new boots" feel, without the "new boots" cost.  So, I worked on revamping my blog.  I didn't quite relate to the Fearless Fibro Warrior much, but changing a name is like moving your business-it always slows things down.  So, I shortened to FFW (a little like FFL, without the sex), made a VERY PROFESSIONAL awesome logo (insert sarcastic eye roll here), and reworked my front page.  See?  Shiny new boots.  Without the new boots.  Hey, wait.....

My next thing?  I've been thinking about it.  For a while---like, 6 months? A new tattoo.

I've always been a, "tattoos should be hide-able" kind of gal.  Not for others, but for me.  I established this philosophy when I wanted to be a high-falutin' Children's Advocate, or Lobbyist, or Children's Lawyer, or "Shit-Ton of Money Maker, or some other important heel-wearing bullshit. 

I'm high-falutin', don't get me wrong.  My husband and I own a business that has managed to feed us and our kids for almost 5 years. 

But there's something about having control over part of my body that is empowering to me.  Something that makes me not care so much about a visible tattoo.  Something that makes me want to be able to explain how bad-ass I am, without wearing an "I am Badass" shirt.

Believe me, I don't have much control.  And as a recovering control freak, this is huge, to be able to let go. 

But I have.  And I feel that I need to do something.  Something big.

So I'm perusing Google images, being a creative motherfucker.  And I'm trying to convince my 12-year-old to sketch something out for me.  Lime green-ish, ribbon-y, maybe with a spoon thrown in. 

And, I want it on my right wrist.  Yep, visible.  Watch out, people.  So, I came up with my own sketch on MS Paint.  It needs a little refining, though.

That's an arm...

I'm damn proud of me (even if my art skills are slightly pathetic).  I have come a long way, changed so much.  Learned to accept my reality, my situation.  And I want a souvenir of my quest, a reminder of how far I've come.

And my 12-year-old boy is standing in my way being a snotty brat, refusing to design a tattoo.  Screw him, pass the tequila.  I got this.

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