Thursday, February 9, 2012

Head Case or Drunken Post. Your Choice, Really.

Very rarely do my therapy sessions make for interesting posts.  You would think that would not be the case, but sadly, my normal musings are way better fodder for laughs, scoffing and general amusement.  Whoda thunk it?

Many of you may know that i was diagnosed with Major Depression.  Turns out, that is doctor talk for "we don't know what's wrong with this whiny bitch, so please dope her up before we give a shit".  It's also insurance talk for "give this bitch tons of therapy, because she is a certified hot mess". Which works out great for me, really.  Why? Because I am depressed.  But only because I'm in chronic pain.  Pain can be a wee bit depressing. Subsequently, my insurance can't cut me off after 8 introductory sessions that give me some half-assed coping skills,  Instead, I'm stuck with M every Thursday at noon. 

And if you believe in the universe giving you exactly what you need, if you think kismet has anything to do with the world, if you know that things happen for a reason, then M and I are meant to be together.

Why?  Because she recognized symptoms in me, and urged me to get tested for Lyme Disease. After a year, I listened, and the rest is history.  or a bunch of blog posts.  Whatever.

Anyways, I wanted to tell you about my session today.

I was there, kind of thinking, "what the hell are we going to talk about today?".  usually, we work on things like:
  • Me accepting my illness
  • Me doing less to reduce stress
  • Me accepting I have to do less to reduce stress
  • Me not looking to the future for what-ifs
  • Me not focusing on others, but putting myself first for once (weird, because this blog is all about me me me and I don't even give two shits about you, but in real life, this is a struggle. Really. 
Today was more of the same.  Nothing had changed.  I made the remark, "Now that my symptoms have stopped getting worse, I'm just kind of waiting for things to get better".

Yep.  I said that.  Those of you that are all Maslow-self-actualized will be all, "what is she talking about?"  and to that I say, fuck you, and your lack of therapy need.

The rest of you know what I am saying. 

And M helped me.  She said, "So, not having your symptoms get worse, is not getting better?".  She said it with that "Are you fucking kidding me" voice that I know so well.  I have seen her 52 times-I know her pretty damn well by now.

So we chatted.  We ruminated.  We went back and forth about me accepting this whole "sick" persona. 

I thought I was cool. I really did.  I stopped planning heaps of shit, I try not to sign up for stuff.

But then she asked, "What if things never get better than today?"


What if things never get better?  That is an actual possible outcome.  One that my overly optimistic husband won't hear, but still.  It's possible. 

So I am chewing on that.  And I thought maybe I would challenge you all to do so as well.  All 29 of you (and the hundreds of lurkers.  Seriously, people.  Stop stalking.  Follow publicly.  Shout it from the rooftops.  Own it.)

What if-Nothing about your life would improve beyond what it is today?  How would you change your outlook?

I'm just starting to work on that. 

What would change for you? Would you do anything different, or look at today with a different lens?

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