Saturday, February 18, 2012

An Open Letter to My Limbs

Dear Limbs (this means you, elbows and knees)-

I get the whole "debilitating pain" thing you're into right now, I really do.  But I do have just a couple requests.  If you can follow just a couple rules, I will allow you to behave however you like the rest of the time. 

1. Quit with the "burning on fire" thing, unless you are, in fact, ON fire.  Seriously, I don't even know how you manage it, that feeling that there are tons of independent fires smoldering just below the surface of my skin.  I am impressed, really,  But once again, please remember-not ON fire=not allowed to feel like you're on fire. 

2. Unless I have had the audacity to actually be productive the day before you may not throw any tantrums until after 3pm.  It is not okay for me to wake up with you and your friends completely inflamed when my biggest accomplishment of the prior day was brushing my teeth. 

3. I will try harder to put foods into me that please you, if you stop shovelling yummy sweets into my face.  Burning elbows from over-eating brownies is a sick, sick joke. Knock it the fuck off.

4. Stairs are a new, but constant, part of my life now.  I will keep the trips upstairs to a minimum, if you could burn some Goddamn calories each time I go up.  See? You will get to do the whole "burning" thing, and I will have the ability to fit into some of my new clothes.  Win-win if you ask me.

5. I will continue to reduce my activity levels, if you stop considering the following activities over-exertion: wiping my giant ass, preparing healthy food, and flat-ironing my hair.  It.s one thing to have crappy illnesses, it's another to look like death warmed over.

Oh, and consider this your notice-I'm going back to Dr. M soon, and I'm losing patience with this whole, "starting treatment off slow" bullshit.  I'm ready to gear up for a fight, because I would like to regularly function at 15%.  I know, I'm a greedy bitch.  Get used to it, because I'm a tenacious greedy bitch.



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