Thursday, February 9, 2012

What Do One Million Moms and Black Licorice Have In Common? They Both Suck.

Today, I'm celebrating.  We are moving tomorrow, to a pretty house almost out in the country, and I'm getting all sentimental.  It seems like it was just yesterday that a bunch of old guys in bug-infested wigs gave me the right to flap my jaws about things that drive me completely bananas. I gotta say, something really got a bee in my bonnet this morning.

Normally, I don't get very political.  Unless you don't agree with my politics, then you might just think you find subversive propaganda in all my posts. I mean, I'm offensive.  Opinionated.  I blather on and on about the shit that makes me crazy-even though my therapist assures me that the things that drive me crazy in others are the things I can stand about myself.  We will get to that one later-I could write a book on how inaccurate that is. For instance, I totally don't drive too slow in parking lots.  Also, I don't try to turn left into the school pick-up loop causing 20 cars to back up because I'm an inconsiderate asshole.  Yet, I despise these actions in others.  Shit, where was I? Oh yes.  Politics.

Today, I'm gonna get all up in your grill about something political. If you don't wanna hear my rant, maybe you should see what 30 minute meal 'ole Rachel is up to.  Or Martha might be doing something splendid with golf balls, glitter and pipe cleaners chenille stems. Damn you, PC Police-you've even ruined crafting.

:::ahem...[climbs teetering soap box]:::

Why are we still fighting about equal rights? When I can have hot food in 30 seconds, fly from one time zone to the next for less than a years' salary, and morons can instantly upload videos of themselves getting hit in the crotch by all manner of sports equipment, household appliances, and construction gear to something that can broadcast that video all over the world in seconds, why, oh WHY are we still not giving equal rights to all the citizens of the United States?  (Normally, I would add "...for fuck's sake" in right here, but sometimes my foul mouth can be a huge turn-off, so I will try to be clean.  Ish.)

This morning I was perusing my local newspaper (which is actually my Yahoo! homepage) (don't judge, I customized, so I get local news, and local weather) when I came across an article about Bill O'Reilly.  He is a gabber from Fox News.  I do enjoy him on occasion, and his banter with Jon Stewart from The Daily Show always has me in stitches.  I like that two intelligent men can have a heated debate when they are coming from polar opposite places (which is always), and still have a working relationship.  It's important, I believe, to always hear the many sides to each story.  And once in a while I find that I agree with those people I usually detest.

Today was one of those days. 

It seems that the One Million Moms (some bat-shit crazy group of hyped-up hate mongers disguised as family-loving bake-sale-holding baby makers) has asked for a complete boycott of JC Penney. 

Now, first off. I agree with boycotts.  I agree that, if you don't like what a company is doing, it is your right to express that opinion, and to not help fund that company.  It's part of the glory of our society-if people hate me, I don't make money.  Seems pretty schoolyard-ish, but it's reality.  If I use my money to club baby seals so I can be toasty in the winter, it's only fair that my customers have an opportunity to tell me they disagree with their money going to that hobby. So they don't buy from me.  I'm open.  They are, too.  Everything is cool. Hopefully, there are enough people out there that don't care how I keep warm in the winter so that I can feed my family.  if not, I might need to shut my trap. Or switch to synthetic fibers.  But this is the basics of how economics works.

What I don't agree with, is the One Million Moms demanding that JC Penney fire their new spokesperson, Ellen Degeneres. And Bill O-Reilly agrees with me.

That's right.  One Million Moms feels that Ellen (who is openly gay, and married to a hot chick named Portia de Rossi) is single-handedly crumbling the entire marital and moral structure that America is founded upon.  Her and those two men from Modern Family.  And pretty much anyone that is openly gay. 

Now, I GET the whole, "I'm not cool with gay sex" thing.  Really, I do. For instance, I'm not a fan of black licorice.  But that doesn't mean I want the creators of black licorice Jelly Bellies fired.  I just don't buy that flavor. I have a preference for the yummier ones, to me (grapefruit, peach, pear, carmel corn).  I also know that everyone has different preferences, different tastes.  That's part of what make people so awesome, their diversity.  What this means is, don't like gay sex?  Don't have gay sex. It's pretty cut and dry in my book.  Don't like missionary? Then maybe doggie style is the position for you.  Seems pretty easy to me. 

But it's not.

Why?  Because now, those gays want to run amok, holding hands, being all gay near us, near our children.  And what will that do?  It might cause them to ask questions we aren't comfortable with.  Because Pamprin and Viagra ads haven't done that enough times in my house. Ever had to explain "douche" to a 5 year old?  Before Jon Gosselin??? It ain't a picnic. but since I'm awesome and full of kid wisdom, I'm going to do you a solid.

Kid: Mama, why are those boys kissing:
Me: Because they want to.
Kid: But they are two boys.
Me: They are showing that they love each other.
Kid: (looks confused)
Me: You seem confused. Do you have another question?
Kid:Umm.  I don't know. It's just weird.
Me: Because they are two boys, instead of a boy and a girl?
Kid: yep.
Me: Well, they love each other like Daddy and I love each other.  Most boys love girls, and most girls love boys.  But some don't. It's the same, but a little different. Kind of like how you don't like peas, but I do.
Kid: Oh.  Okay.

Not quite 5 steps.  But I think you see where I'm going. Kind of. Basically, it's, question=clarify question, give brief answers, figure out angle, give more brief answers.  Done. move on.

The above conversation is a summation of conversations I have had with both of my kids.  Maybe I'm weird. But I answer the questions they ask, not the questions I think they are asking. Think about it-how many times have you assumed a child was asking a bigger question than they really were? When they ask a question and you're unsure of the intent, ask them a question to clarify. It opens up a better dialogue, and you don't offer information they are not ready for. As long as you offer your information that is clear and concise, you really should be just fine.

The hardest part is keeping your stupid opinions out of it. For instance, when people show up at the door trying to convert you to their religion, is it better to tell you kids to answer the door with a half-empty beer and wearing only underwear?  Or do you try to explain the concept of people being so excited about their faith, they want to share? Depending on my medication levels, I could really go either way.  But when it comes to my kids asking questions, I try to be unbiased.  It's tough, especially when people behave horribly. But I would rather my children be able to form their own opinions based on as many facts as I can gather, rather than fill their heads with the blueprints of how I want them to be. (Which never works the way we plan anyway.)

Here in Hippy-Dippy California, we just saw Prop 8 get the beat-down.  Some bad-ass old people in black robes said that "Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples". Couldn't have said it better myself.

But wait, they are trying to mess with marriage, that wonderful, God-loving sanctity that only a true loving man and woman can experience, or should experience in the eyes of the Lord.  Or something.  The whole religious thing is the platform many anti-gay-marriage people stand atop.  They feel that calling a "gay union" a "marriage" is against the Bible. it's really hard to argue against the Bible.  So I won't.  I will, however, argue the point of marriage.

I'm not going to pretend that I know what each gay couple wants.  But I will tell you what I want, as a straight female, and why I wanted to get married.

When I was young and in love with a certain Sky King, I wanted to get married.  He was a little slow to agree with me, but eventually he came around.  And I gotta say, I wanted the security.  Not the financial security-we both kinda sucked with money, and neither was bringing much in terms of stuff to the relationship-unless you count a '93 Ford Escort.  But I wanted to know that he wanted me, and only me, and it was going to be pretty damned difficult to get rid of me.  I wanted to know that, someday, I would be entitled to his retirement, especially since I raised his children.  I wanted to know that, if he was sick or even dying, I would be able to be by his side, and make decisions based on what I knew to be true, based on our time together.  I wanted a person to face the world with, a partner, a person on my side.  Someone to raise children with.

That's all many gay people want, as well.  And telling me they are ruining the sanctity of marriage is just going to make you look stupid. 

Ouch.  Hurt, didn't it?  It's true.

Way back to Sumerian times, marriage has existed.  It was a business arrangement between families.  Sometimes it would stop wars, create larger groups of landowners, or improve class.  Sometimes it was used as barter: You want to rape and pillage, I offer a daughter to avoid any unnecessary damage.  Whether you like it or not, marriage has been more of a business arrangement than a profession of love.  Only in the past hundred years or so did marriage begin to be what we know today.  And there are still many cultures that arrange marriages for their children, that use marriage to get social status or combine wealth, and omit most notions of love and affection.

Yes, that would not be right for me.  Or maybe for you.  But I don't get to say who gets to do what.  I don't get to judge.  Some people say there is only one judge, and he ain't here on earth.

Then why oh why is gay marriage so threatening?

It must be the 14% divorce rate.
Or all the sex.  I can't stand knowing someone else is getting more action than me.

Bill O'Reilly may not like gays.  He may love them.Honestly, it didn't come up during his defense of Ellen.  And that is why he earned my respect.  He isn't jamming his opinions down anyone's throat, and he's denouncing an organization that is calling for the black-balling of people who are gay.  McCarthyism was shitty in the 50's.  It's even shittier now.  (Damn, I told you I'd behave.  Sorry.)

Ellen is gay.  She is funny. She is the spokesperson for JC Penney.  And she put it best when she said, "Here are the values I stand for: I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you'd want to be treated and helping those in need."

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Life is too short, and too full of real dangers, real threats to us, our families, our lives.

Basically, let's worry about these real threats to our children, to our country.  Let's start with sensationalistic media, congressional over-spending, and over-processed, nutritionally deficient foods. 

When that's all worked out, we can all obsess on who's having sex with whom, mkay?


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