Monday, August 22, 2011

An Open Letter to Our Reunion DJ

Dear Reunion DJ Dude-

I know that you are depressed because this is what you do-you go by yourself to a depressing venue like a hotel ballroom-or worse, a smelly gym- while you "spin tunes" for a bunch of uncomfortable people that are there for one of three reasons:

1. to hook up with the high school crush (that has grown in width more than height since graduation, but who are you kidding, you're no prize with your four kids and gastric-bypass-gone-wrong),
2. to rub in your success which is all a facade, as you are currently living with your in-laws while your children try hallucinogens for the first time as your spouse is off banging the unemployed neighbor (in the 80's it would have been the tennis pro, but times are tough), or
3. to gather up enough intel to discern that life for you isn't all that bad as all the cheerleaders got fat, all the football players are bald, and all the nerds didn't show because they are too busy spending their money.

However, I would like to ask that you follow the guidelines below.  I know this is a lot, as I am sure it takes every ounce of strength you have not the veer into opposing traffic on your way to work, but still, I must insist that:

  1. If you have 250 slightly drunk people milling around the bar area, DO NOT continue to play easy listening/slow dance/junior-high-feel-up songs one after the other. This is actually the perfect time to play some old school dance tunes, and use that long stick-like thing (I think it is called a microphone?) to call out the crazy people that planned the event in the first place to get the party rolling.
  2. If a song such as "Like a G6" clears the dance floor, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT replay it.  Especially not when people are still sober. We notice. I know it may be too much to ask that you download more than 15 songs to your ipod for this event, but, for Christ's sake, have you even HEARD of file sharing? Steal the good music from the internet like everyone else, you pathetic chump.
  3. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Mess with Sir Mix-a-lot.  His music is for adoration, and your DJ skills are tepid at best. You do not have the authority to mix music. Certainly not music from Rap Royalty.  It's SIR Mixalot---show some respect.
That is all.  Go about your pathetic life.

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