Sunday, August 21, 2011

Things I Never Thought I Would Like

Since I began this journey into my quest for a life I can live with, I have made massive numbers of changes.  Most of them, I did not want to make---or I would have already made them, right?  While I have basked in the praises of others over my numerous changes, I have not liked many of them, and I have been left a little, shall we say, bitter?  Yes, overwhelmingly, stomach-twistingly acid-in-the-mouth bitter.  The hardest among them all, many would think, are the food ones.  But, think of it like this:

You have uncontrollable pain in your body, each and every day.  Some days are worse than others, but for the most part, it sucks.  You have said through tears to your partner, "I can't keep living like this", and you meant it. All 15 times.  Then, you are told that giving up many of your favorite foods might possibly alleviate the worst of your symptoms.  Now are you game? Damn skippy, you are.

The hardest part has been actually accepting the concept of relaxing. Or, single-tasking.  Or, doing (gasp!) nothing.

Here is a list of things I have NEVER enjoyed.  NEVER EVER EVER.

  • Sunbathing
  • Napping
  • Strolling
  • Daydreaming
  • Loafing
  • Chilling  (Is there a "g" in that?)
Here is what I would do on a typical workday:
6 am-up
6-7---get me ready, including any items that need to load into the car, check emails, call in to work to see if anyone needs anything on the way, because I am already stopping at Sam's Club, or Office Max, or Target, or WalMart, or Smart N Final.
7-----start waking the kids
730--get kids out into kitchen, already dressed, feed them breakfast while I make everyone's lunches
810--leave to drop kids off
845--arrive at work
6-----leave for home
640--eat dinner with family, clean up kitchen, read to Princess, get kids clean, brushed, tucked in
815--go run errands for work and/or home, or work on computer
10 pm-in bed


Now, I have HAD to cut way back, on many of these things. Not everyone has my flexibility, most people with fibro end up on disability-IF they can get it.  But, I have a flexible situation, owning a business.  So, I have cut back, and given up much of my responsibilities---only keeping the things that I have to do, to keep things successful---some PR stuff, all the bookkeeping, checking in with staff personally.

I now have to think about every action, with the mindset of: "I may get this done.  I may not.  Either way, I will listen to my body".  You know how you go up against a task, thinking, "I'm going to organize all the closets today."  Then, you get it done, mostly, and maybe drop your standards slightly.  Now, I think, "Gee, it would be nice if the closets were organized and cleaned out. How can I accomplish that?"  Then, I give one closet to Monkey Boy to clean out, with specific instructions. Then, I go to the one bothering me the most, tackle it, and get it done. Then, I take a small break, and reassess. I reassess my energy levels, my pain.  I either move forward, or congratulate myself on a job well done. Then, I pick up a book, or head outside for a bit of sun, or just lay in the recliner, letting my mind wander.  Or, I may go in and chat with Princess, or watch the kids play together. 

I have found that I like to loaf, relax, chill, snooze, cuddle, snuggle, and sun.  I have slowed way down---people that "knew me when" and haven't seen me in a while are AMAZED at the transformation-they have seen a noticeable difference, enough to ask.  Yes, I have slowed down.  But more importantly, I have learned to appreciate it, which makes all the difference.

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