Sunday, November 20, 2011

Where's That Thing I Need for the Thing??? I Think I Put it by the Thing-y...

Every once in a GREAT GREAT while I totally freak out over something stupid (I know.  Impossible to believe.  But it’s true).
This time was no different:  So there I was, giddy with the anticipation of fun family vacay, starting to think about packing for a road trip.  I figured it was a good time to look for, and charge, the two DVD players for each child. Along the way, I sometimes get a bit distracted. I was unpacking the players, and went searching for the charging cords. And I was like, “where the hell did I put that audio book about proper parenting? I really wanted to listen to it with Sky King. Maybe it will keep us from killing our children in a car after a 7 hour drive”.  So I begin looking.  I look high and low.  I look by the computer, where I am SURE I left it.
Then, I pull over a chair, and look ATOP the computer cabinet.  This is the indication that I am SURE Sky King has put it somewhere in his quest to “clean”.  My hackles raise (what ARE those, anyways?) because I am starting to panic that it is lost. Which cannot be.  I might just completely lose my shit over this. I have been teetering all week, what with Sky King working extra and the kiddos on a half-day. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Let me clarify: Sky King is typically quite fantastic.  However.  When he cleans, he likes to put things away so that you can’t see them.  Place like on top of the fridge, on top of the computer desk, and on top of the cabinet by the garage door are some favorites. Do you see a trend? You see, he’s 6’2”, while I am 5’3”.  I DON’T put things up high.  Monkey boy is gaining on me, but still not in the “hiding things up high from mom” realm.  Princess doesn’t put anything away, ever, so it’s not her.
So Sky King goes around the house, seeking the things I will need the soonest, or the things that are the most important, he stacks them all together and “puts them away”.  I rarely find them.  This time WILL be different.  I WILL find that audio book.  The lives of our children depend on it.
So in the middle of finding charging cords for the DVD players, I get lost on a quest to find the audio book that Sky King hid. Typical.  (Just making sure you’re still following me…)
2 hours in, I am growing more and more frustrated.  I have both kids fearful for their lives, searching as well, all the while listening to me curse their father. (Don’t worry, they are used to it, they won’t get more scarred.) I keep going back to the same places: the basket in the bathroom, filled with old Maxims; the basket in the family room, filled with old Allergy Today and Gluten-Free Living; the baskets on the cabinet of death (more about this later); the kitchen junk drawer; my craft drawers; my bag of trip treats (more about THIS later)for the kids.  Nada.  Zilch.  Nuttin’.  At this point in my mind, I have cancelled the trip, I am so angry.  I’m talking to myself, angrily arguing with Imaginary Husband. I’m stomping through the house, tearing through each potential hiding place like a deranged Mafioso looking for the flash drive that has the video footage of me offing the kingpin I just took over for.  Crap is flying, and I don’t care. I even considered calling Sky King and using the “mental imbalance” card, to get him home so the godforsaken CD set could be found.  But no.  I can DO THIS.
I go to the bookcases again.  I glance.  I peruse.  I search.  I scour.   Luckily, all my books are sorted by color. (Genre was too difficult and scattered, and I like how it looks---don’t judge)
THERE. IT. IS.  Staring at me, in the “Navy Blue” section. 
I think to myself, “Damn. That Asshole.  Well, the only thing I can think of is that he put it with books, because it is a recitation of a book. I guess that works. “.  Then.  Then, I had a teensy tiny glimmer.  It could have been me. That is MY kind of logic, not his. He’s more of a, “this pile of crap is all square-ish, and I’m near the fridge, so I will cram it up here” kind of a guy.  I’m a “audio book is a BOOK, gloves, hats and scarves are all outer wear” kind of a gal.
I nearly wept with the frustration that I may have done this TO MYSELF.  Yet, I decide not to tell Sky King. Not only am I still in a little bit of denial about my memory issues, but he thinks his memory issues are really bad, which they are,  . So he’s still the perfect scapegoat for things that aggravate me.
I had texted him, “Hey, where’s that audio book about parenting I TOTALLY need for our trip tomorrow?” about 1 hour in.  Now, I go back and text him again….”Found it. I’ll likely kill you in the morning.”
If he doesn’t get the “Princess Bride” reference, DIVORCE!!!

That, my friends, is how you do mental illness.

And, scene.    :::deep bow:::


  1. Very long single hand slow clap! Hey, don't judge, maybe I only have one!!!

    Actually very funny, frightening in that not only do I not like clutter (like sky king) I would also put audio books with regular books. Ordering by color is all you and totally weird (in that Monica with hair beads kind of way).

    Totally love Princess Bride and don't find myself quoting it enough in my blog...until now!


  2. To defend my decorating style, I saw that Pinterest has many photos with people sorting bookshelves by spine color---if Pinterest says it's cool, it's COOL.

    Btw-if you don't know what Pinterest is, it's like crafting porn.

  3. My friends and I used to leave Princess Bride quotes on each others' answering machines, and if you didn't call back with the next line pronto - FIRED! Haha

    I would die from having someone "put something away" where I couldn't find it! In fact, puzzles are the most evil of kids' toys for an OCD parent, I spend ages after kids are in bed agonizing over where the missing pieces went. Sigh.