Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Fresh Day, Fresh Leaves, Fresh Undies

As promised, I am back today with a fresh start, fresh attitude, and fresh undies.
:::cue feminine hygiene commerical::: (you're welcome, JT)

(Woman stands, looking at herself in the mirror. In the background, Fall leaves swirl outside, seen through the window)
Announcer: Sometimes, you need a fresh start. Fresh make-up, fresh hair, fresh panties. You can't do much about gray lungs,  or a bloated fatty liver.  But, we at CooterClenz strive to make your insides feel as fresh as a basket of clean laundry. Why shouldn't everything inside be as fresh?

Woman: You're right!  I DO deserve to have fresh innards!  While I can't get a new esophagus-yet--I CAN make sure my ladybits are just as fresh, carefree and magical as the falling leaves outside. Thanks, CooterClenz!  You started my workweek out right!  And, with new Apple Cinnamon, my ladybits will remind the entire office that Fall is in the air!!!
(woman holds up box of CooterClenz)
New CooterClenz.  Original, Cotton Candy for the lazy days of summer, and now, Apple Cinnamon!! 

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Mental illness is quite the roller coaster, isn't it? I'm still pissy with my health, and those poor souls that try to explain it to me. But, I have new mugs in my Zazzle store, I look cute in a burgundy fall sweater, and I am still sleeping pretty well-I'm on a roll! Hell, I might even get shit done today! The world is my oyster.

I am in a good mood, my end-of-year stuff at work is falling into place thanks to the awesome chicks I work with, I won some yummy Zico coconut stuff from my local Gluten Free Specialty Shop (located conveniently at J and 26th, right downtown, for those of you in the Sacramento area-they don't pay me to plug, but they should-in LaraBars!) and fall is a-fallin'.

The leaves are swirling around with fury, and all I want to do is rake them into a pile and let kids jump in them. After I go first, of course. What is it about these leaves that have struck me as particularly magical today? I don't know, but I DO know I could use a little magic. And not the stabbing-pain-in-the-eye-voodoo-shit I have experienced as of late. I mean the magic that comes to children during this time of year. After all, I am just a big kid.  A big kid with a bra.  A big kid, with a bra, that swears a lot. Damn. That was almost poetic, and then my crazy brain muddled it. Shit. I was doing so well with the "fresh start" crap--almost like your favorite douche commercial as a child. 

Now, I got the kids-plenty to go 'round, as they say. All I need is the rake, a Raker, and a big liability rider.

Who's in?


  1. Did you really talk about girl parts, then say "the world is your oyster?"

    Naughty or fairly deliberately clever, either way, I caught it... And my hands are clammy as I reply.


  2. At least the announcer wasn't named Charlie Tuna. That would have been crass. And stupid, because announcers aren't supposed to have names.

    Possibly it was C) my subconscious is terribly clever and witty as well. And I don't proof-read much. ;)

    PS--I am still waiting to hear from Masengil about doing their ad copy (fingers crossed!)