Monday, December 5, 2011

In Which I Clean Behind the Fridge for Fun and Profit

Our fridge has some early-onset debilitating disease. Like me, but younger. And colder (unless you're counting her heart, says my snotty younger brother). But just as polluting to the ears.

You know when you are 16, and have a crappy 1971 VW Bug, and the starter is going out, because each morning you try to start it and it is getting harder and harder and harder, but you don't have the time or the cash to fix it and so you wait and then the one day you REALLY have to be on time, and it doesn't start?  That is our fridge, minus the bumper stickers and ash tray full of lip balm and spare change.

Each morning, we go into the kitchen for our morning harass-kids-to-get-out-of-bed-make-breakfast-feed-kids-make-lunches routine which involves 27 fridge openings.  Our beautiful fridge that was new when we moved in 4 years ago does not like our routine.  And I'm all, "Hey, at least you just have to keep our food cold, try actually living this life.  Just shut up and be our stupid fridge.  If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it."

Each time we open it, it gets slightly warmer, which makes the thermostat do it's thermostat-y job, which causes the motor to kick on to cool the whole thing, to keep up with our constant opening and closing. It does not like this, and wants to curl into a ball and die, preferably as soon as it is full of Christmas cheer.  I'm on to you, fridge.

Our preemptive strike was to call our landlord, tell them what was happening and give sound effects over the phone. But Sky King called, so they didn't get the cool sound effects. Sorry, landlord. Sky King has no imagination.
The fixer dude comes out, and he has to pull it away from the wall. At which put I begin to feel slightly self-conscious, because I do not clean behind the fridge. Well, that is not entirely true.  I DO clean behind the fridge, each time I move out of a place and take the fridge with me.  But not like on some strange cleaning rotation like organized people sometimes do. No, seriously, I hear that this happens.

He pulls the fridge back, and this is what we see:

In this pile of filth, there is: 2 magnets, 1 coupon good for 3 free Parmesan twists with any pizza order at Round Table Pizza, 3 pounds of broken glass from all the stuff Sky King the kids I break on the tile floor, and two dimes.

Now, the entire point of this post is centered around one question.

Who do I share the Parmesan twists with?
Why is there so much shit under my fridge?
Should I fire the housekeeper?
Should I even bother to clean this mess up?
Why don't I switch to all plastic containers, since I am such a klutz?

Do I retrieve the dimes?

The answer, of course, is yes. But not because of some stupid reason like "defacing money is a crime" or "a penny saved is a penny earned" or "the fixer dude will totally swipe it".

I lean over, scrape one off the floor which was almost permanently embedded in dust goo, and sweep the other up, risking life and limb while I sift through the broken glass to retrieve it. Because it is bad Juju to throw away money.

Many years ago (way back in the mid-1990's when I had moved to Tulsa OK to be close to my then-boyfriend who was going to flight school) I had another opportunity to clean.  I don't remember it specifically, I am just assuming there was an opportunity to clean, because there was a garbage can involved. No, you can't come study my home for a reality show about bacteria.

I was emptying/cleaning a drawer, looking for cash to do laundry looking for one last condom because Costco was out yesterday looking for a goddamn pen because I can never find one for some unknown reason. At the bottom of the drawer after all the good stuff was set aside and the drawer had been removed so I could dump all the rubber bands, dirt, lint, push pins, old razor blades, broken parts and a couple pennies into the trash, Sky King freaked. As in, "WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING????"  I freak, because he rarely talks in ALL CAPS, which is why things work so well with us. I ask what the problem is. He very calmly says, "If you throw out money, even a penny, Karma will keep money from you." Oh.  How could I have been so stupid?

I crunch up one of my eyes and the corner of my mouth snarls, as if to say, "wha?".  He very calmly explains to never ever ever ever ever consciously throw away even a penny, because Karma will know, write it down in a little book, and remember for when you ask for a raise at work. Or something like that.

This is why I end up coating my fingers with $.23 worth of antibiotic cream and $.71 worth of bandages for 3 pennies.

Karma, you are a vengeful bitch.

And what happened to the two dimes?

There they are. We are $.20 closer to DisneyWorld. Or a house we don't rent. Or a pack of smokes, from back when we smoked, but really couldn't afford to.

Where will I put them?

Into the junk drawer full of push pins, old razor blades, and broken parts, of course.  Excuse me, into ONE OF OUR JUNK DRAWERS. Because we have 5. I'm rounding down.

Because I never learn.


  1. LOVE your sense of humor :D and thoroughly enjoyed this post. haha

  2. LL-thank you! I have always loved writing, and it comes easier and easier lately-but this one was especially fun to write. It took me back in time to my Tulsa days when Sky King and I were young pups....awwww.....

  3. hmmm... lol <- is that right? :)

  4. Todd-No. ALL CAPS. Have I taught you nothing??? But I certainly appreciate the sentiment....

  5. LOL. At least the junk drawer is 20 cents richer. That's pretty much happens to all the loose change we find in our house. I don't know why I never put those coins in my wallet.

  6. @Flourish-if you put it in your wallet, your wallet would get too heavy, and then you will look like a total skeez paying for a latte with $3 in nickels. And, you will have back problems from all the heavy purse-carrying. See? junk drawers are good for your health.